Spiritual Maintenance

Feb 6

Becoming more of yourself is the most beautiful, bold, messy adventure of your life

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I had a husband who used to tell me that I was ‘high maintenance’ — and it wasn’t intended as a compliment. It stung and made me question myself as if I was asking for too much, sucking up too much oxygen in the room, being too difficult or spoiled. Too me.

There’s a big distinction between self-care and standing in your convictions — and having self-centered blinders on. Maintenance is self-love, be it exercise, diet, meditation, time out or a simple cup of tea. As they say, one can’t pour from an empty pitcher.

Knowing what you need is wisdom and discernment. It is something that evolves over time but cannot be denied. You can probably recall times where you did just that — denied your needs in lieu of someone else’s, ran on empty and ultimately melted down.

Our body, mind, spirit connection is undeniable. When one bucket runs dry, it infiltrates the others. This truth is unavoidable...unless you get out in front of it.

This journey of discovery took me a long time to understand...honestly most of my life. For years I took my health, stamina and vibrancy for granted. I ignored the whisperings of my soul gently tapping me on the shoulder trying to get me to pay attention, to turn in a different direction, to understand the interconnectedness of my discomfort

Alas, we get where we get when we get there — when we are ready to see what has been begging to be seen.

It’s kind of ironic how easily we subscribe to the notion of maintenance for just about everything in our lives, but ourselves. Why is self-care considered selfish? We see nothing wrong with taking our cars in for quarterly service, or having our furnaces serviced and our chimneys cleaned, our yards maintained, etc. We never question yearly checkups with our doctors or having our teeth cleaned, but what about our spiritual selves and our self-care practices?

My ride to self-maintenance has certainly been a bumpy one.

While I didn’t grow up in a house where much pampering went on (mom worked fulltime as a registered nurse), I was discovered as a fashion model when I was only 15-years old and off to Paris before I knew what was happening. Sure, I learned how to take care of my physical container (on a very surface level because looks were the only thing that mattered), my true understanding of how to care for myself was very limited at best.

For example, when my Parisian modeling agent informed me that I needed to lose a little weight after over-indulging in French pastries for a few months one summer (I was a teenager with a massive sweet tooth) — I was advised to ‘starve’. That was the diet du jour. I’m serious. No one was inquiring about WHY I was eating my way through Paris, what was going on in my psyche or how to approach this holistically. Frankly, no one cared, and I didn’t know better.

That was many moons ago and the world was a very different place. There was no internet, no online courses, podcasts, wellness influencers or social media. It was the wild wild west of self-discovery. Self Help was crunchy granola-ish for hippies and gurus. I was lost.

Skip ahead a few years when I was back living and working in New York City with an established and successful career, and had begun to incorporate exercise, manicures, hair appointments and facials into my daily routine as a job requirement — my ex chastised me as needing too much and I felt ashamed. I didn’t realize it then, but those comments were more about him than me. Still, they hurt.

Even though the basis of my ‘maintenance’ started at a very surface level, it set me off upon a path of discovery, with a thirst for connection, expansion, sovereignty...becoming. And oh, the places it led me and all that I dabbled in! The churches, the crystals, the ceremonies, the candles, the green juices, the protocols, the books, programs and people (I think you get the picture)! I’m grateful for it all.

Yes, becoming more of you is the adventure of your life. And I don’t take those words lightly.

This isn’t all about fun and games, unicorns and rainbows — it is an honor to become, a great responsibility to bring forth your Best Self, your greatness, your talents, your beauty. Maybe it’s a book, a business, a creation, a relationship, a family...or even all of it. But we are each here to serve, to create a legacy, to make meaning from the mess, to rise — and to leave our piece of the world a better place than when we arrived.

Exactly twenty years ago today, my entire life exploded. Everything turned on a dime. Everything changed and just about everything was lost — and there was no turning back, no way to stop the bleeding, no way to stop the undoing. I was ill-equipped to deal with it (or so I thought). I lost my husband, home, identity, and every penny I had — and I had a toddler in tow. I even lost my ability to bear more children as a result of the stress. I needed to get up off the sofa where I had been huddled up crying and take action. And action I took...slowly climbing uphill over shards of glass.

I write you from the scar, not the wound. There is now a great bit of distance in the rear-view mirror (2 decades to be precise) between those events and what has unfolded subsequently. I see them through a very different lens now.

I am no longer a victim of circumstances; I am not a martyr...I am a Phoenix who rose from the ashes and learned to use the events of her life rather than be used by them. No more hiding. No more denying. Yes, you can use the pain, loss, grief and discomfort of your life to learn more about yourself and begin to see more clearly where it is all leading.

Had you told me then that it would take this long, I probably would’ve crawled back up in a ball on the sofa and surrendered. No, I simply can’t do that or wait that long. It’s all too much! Yet, that toddler needed me. I needed me. And all that I was about to create in the world needed me. And you too are needed.

I want you to be ‘high maintenance’ — I want you to lean into taking the greatest of care of yourself without guilt or self-chastising. Self-care is not a zero-sum game. It doesn’t mean that if you take care of yourself, you are taking something away from someone else. Nothing could be further from the truth.

For the last 18 years, I have been in a relationship that nurtures me. As I always say, I didn’t need to be saved, I needed to be seen. Today, when I lean into self-care, I am met with encouragement not admonishment.

Why is this so important?

Because when we feel safe enough to exhale, to open and be vulnerable — we activate our curiosity and wonder. We follow our breadcrumbs and explore new territory...we expand, activate and become. We feel aliveness.

This incredible journey of Best Self Magazine has been one of creating what I needed to learn most. It has revealed with absolute uncertainty the interconnectedness of my life — that my answers lie in my questions. That the clock is ticking, that we swim in impermanence and that I have much I want to do, see, be. You too!

It takes courage to usher in the new incarnations of yourself because the truth is that we usually don’t see them or feel the urge to recognize them until we are in discomfort. I now know that when discomfort visits me, I no longer fight it or try to slam the door on its face. Instead, I invite it in and ask it what it has to impart upon me.

When we learn to listen and trust that we are capable of so much more than we know, that it is working out for us, that we are being guided somewhere new...we can release a sigh of relief.

Today, I dance in uncertainty. That doesn’t mean I love it. It doesn’t mean that I feel unflappable or that I don’t wobble within it. It means that I don’t want to miss the ride. We created Best Self out of thin air. We co-create with thought-leaders across the globe and we continue to follow the trail because it doesn’t end and it is full of infinite possibilities.

During the past few years of disruption and lockdowns, I didn’t let any moss grow under my feet. Instead, I took a 1-year certification program to become a life coach (something I’ve wanted to do since the day I first worked with a life coach) and I hired a book coach (and wrote 4 drafts of my memoir). I stood up to my inner critic and bully who smugly always told me it was too late, I was too old, that ship had passed. Well, I showed her a thing or two! I never knew where any of this was going to lead, but I knew that I wasn’t going to die with my music still in me, as Dr. Wayne Dyer used to say.

The writing of the book and the coaching felt like I was birthing twins and reinvigorated my spirit. What I didn’t realize is that they were simultaneously informing one another. Divorce. Heartbreak. Grief. Beginning anew. Themes began to entwine and lead me to more clarity. I found my way to knowing my lane — helping mothers take control of their own divorces so that they could reclaim their power, take control of their lives and be the best parents they could be.

A year ago during an ice storm that knocked our power out for days, Bill and I were in the throes of writing our Best Self Intuitive Divorce Coaching program. Bundled in layers we were so inspired that we toughed it out for a day in the frigid house. That’s what heart-centered, creative inspiration does. As a side note, we did pack up and leave for shelter somewhere else, but we also completed this beautiful program that is off and running and thriving.

I tell you this because I KNOW you have gifts, beauty, magic and so much becoming within you too.

I don’t care if you put it out on the world stage or not, it may be a solo journey of self-discovery...just discover. Keep going. Don’t allow anyone or anything to squash your becoming.

Cheers to being high maintenance my dear souls!

What’s trying to be birthed within you? Please share in the comments below. This is where the conversation continues and the inspiration keeps inspiring....

Kristen Noel