Platitudes, Metaphors and Self-Help Life Hacks (UGH)
During a recent not-so-Best-Self-ey spiral down I had to take a dose of my own self-reflective medicine and sit with it all
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Admittedly, I had to take a spoonful of my own medicine this week...you know the ‘ol practice what you preach routine. Hey, it’s so easy to solve everyone else’s problems, point out what they need to see and have an opinion about what they should do...isn’t it? Ha. This is especially true when you’re a parent!
One of the greatest gifts about getting my life coaching certification (beyond getting my life coaching certification) was attaining a whole new perspective on communication with self and others. Truth be told, I had to ‘relearn’ a lot.
And yes, this self-help-ey, ‘woo woo’ world that I dance within can also sometimes feel like a sea of platitudes — you know — all the: Trust the timing, This is happening FOR you not TO you, Just sit with the feelings, Everything happens for a reason...the list goes on. You get it. You’ve probably got a list of your own a mile long. These are our go-to’s in times we feel like we need to say something or do something.
We can laugh and roll our eyes about them all. We can embrace them and want to toss them across the room at the same time. Welcome to the human experience. Have a seat, fasten your seatbelt on and enjoy the ride. Oh, and give yourself a break while you are at it, please.
The things that light me up in my work and life are the things that provoke us to lean into our Best Selves. They may nudge us a bit, like silent reminders from within, pointing us in the direction of our soul. They whisper, yes, more of that please! Because we are nothing without meaning and connection and passion.
I’m not the least bit surprised that the breadcrumbs of this Best Self journey have led me to coaching mothers navigating divorce. I have become the resource that wasn’t available to me 18 years ago when I needed it most. The world was a very different place then. I bet if you examined your own life gravitational pull, you too may have leaned into providing something for yourself that was missing, that called to you for one reason or another.
Back to the medicine. While I love to dance in metaphors to convey life hacks and adversity, I got smacked in the face with it recently. The caveat is that I’m aware that I try to outrun and outsmart my pain.
I mean really...who wants to be with discomfort? Not me.
And yet, I know better than that. It’s unescapable. Now, I’m a pretty optimistic person. My glass is generally more than half full, I’m grateful when I wake up in the morning and I look for beauty each day. I do all the ‘right’ things — I move my body, I spend time in nature, I drink green juices, I meditate and pray, I get down on the floor and play with my dog, I indulge myself with red wine and dark chocolate and dinner with friends. I love big. I know how to take care of myself...and how to bypass discomfort.
Coaching mothers through divorce is like jumping into the muddy trenches in a storm and sitting with them. They are all up in their big feels trying to figure it out, guide their kids and simply keep it together. Sometimes, that’s all you can do...all you need to do — and there aren’t a lot of words that need to be conveyed. In many ways we are all the same; if we feel uncomfortable, we simply what the pain to stop. The last thing we want to hear is to just sit with your feelings. I for one, am guilty of using this phrase.
So, the other night it was my turn to put it in motion — to get into the trenches with my own emotions. UGH.
I do think the Universe has a sense of humor and a way of making a point. Do you agree?
I started to feel triggered, and anger rapidly began to bubble to the surface. Go away. But it didn’t. There was no swatting this away and oh Dear God, run for cover! I also quickly realized that it needed to come out...so out it came. I guess it had been building up and could only be contained for so long. That’s what denial does — it makes us feel like we are coming undone when in reality, we are simply feeling. And it didn’t feel good, it wasn’t pretty (just ask Bill...wink), but there we were.
After I ranted and raved and let this hot air out, I recognized how tired I felt. I had been carrying this around and I was exhausted by the experience and the day. Suddenly, I started laughing to myself. Well, Kristen, take a spoonful of your own medicine...and just sit with your feelings. Boom. I didn’t exactly like the taste of this medicine. No one really ever does...but so be it.
There is only one way to heal and process...and that’s straight through to the heart of the matter. If it’s revealing itself, you are ready to see it.
That doesn’t mean you are going to like it per se, but just try to see it through a different lens.
I refrained from trying to make it better. I didn’t try to wrap it up in a sparkly bow all neat and tidy. Frankly, I didn’t really even resolve anything. I felt like a bit of a deflated balloon, body, mind and spirit as I tucked myself into bed that night. But I did say aloud, everything is working out and somehow those words allowed my nervous system to exhale.
I’ve come to understand that true wisdom isn’t about fixing or not having a negative feeling or experience. I’m not a bad person when I judge something or have an opinion. I’m not terrible if I don’t like someone or want to spend time with them. I’m not unevolved if lose my S#*T one day and all my feelings come out sideways. No, I’m just me, trying to be, do and show up the best I can.
Not everything needs to be fixed. It needs to be felt and observed. Hmmmm. What have you come to reveal? What do you want me to see here?
Your answers may not come instantly, but what if you could trust that they will, that they are right around the corner, that you’ve got this? Doesn’t that already feel better?
No, I don’t like sitting with my feelings any more than the rest of us, but I realize they are also reminders of how far I’ve come, how strong I am and how much more I want to become — and how resilient I am. When something I want doesn’t go according to my plan or timeline, when I don’t get a desired outcome...I can sigh and hold onto the belief that even if I don’t understand it fully, it is working out for me, I am being protected and maybe, just maybe...something better is awaiting me.
Life. Reflecting. Embrace the ride, dear souls...wherever it is taking you, you are ready to go. Don’t try to wrestle the discomfort to the ground. Try seeing it differently. Bon Voyage.
P.S. Psst. Everything IS working out FOR you. Ssssh. Don’t tell your inner critic!
Where do you try to avoid the discomfort of your feelings? I’d love to hear from you. Please share in the comments below.