I'm Sorry

Years ago when I was still putting gold star charts on the refrigerator for my son as an incentive to get him to do things (like brush his teeth and make his bed), I came across this definition of apologies.  I don’t know where it originated and wish I could give credit where credit is due, because this is something so simple that still helps me.Proper apologies have 3 parts:1.)  What I did was wrong.2.)  I feel badly that I hurt you.3.)  How do I make this better? Today, I would rename them as 3 steps:1.)  Accountability2.)  Ownership3.)  Action AccountabilityI believe that we read what we need to learn, and come in contact with what we need to contend with, crossing paths with our own unfinished business.  I got called out on something that required a proper, fully accountable, “I’m sorry.”  Unintentional as my “wrongdoing” may have seemed, it’s less about how it landed for me and more about how it landed for someone else - and man did they let me know.  It was necessary to take a dose of my own apology medicine and activate each of these steps.Along the road to our best selves, the gift is in the growth (and they don’t call it growing pains for nothing).  We can’t kid ourselves, no one truly likes to be called out, admonished or shamed.  That’s how criticism first lands – our ego’s dirty little trick of telling us, it’s not your fault.  It’s difficult not to retreat to that place, instead of standing tall and facing off with what is before us.  Perhaps we hear opportunity knocking, yet we’re not quite sure we want to answer. OwnershipAfter being confronted, my first instinct was to puff out my chest, armed and ready to fight and defend.  But I told that voice to sit down and shut up – you might learn something here.  Usually, if we can “zip it” long enough to hear someone out, to simply listen, something of value is revealed.Perhaps our so-called offenses are perfectly innocent and unintentional, but often they are not.  Where there is smoke, there is fire and where there is something that makes us squirm, there is usually something to take a look at.Regardless, I had made a mistake.  I hurt someone and now I had to get to work cleaning it up.  It was a choice - turn left and march off in a huff or turn right and roll up my sleeves and get cleaning.Being accountable requires ownership.  It instantly shifts the energy of any situation.  When we take the time to hear someone out, we are provided with opportunity.   And when we avail ourselves to this baring of our vulnerable selves, we just might uncover something else that we were not being completely honest about.  BINGO – therein lies the prize. ActionThe conversation stung.  My inner little girl doesn’t want to be scolded or disciplined.  She wants to be liked.  I want to be liked.  I’m a good girl.  I want to help other people become accountable in their own lives.  I could cower into a pile of defeat or utilize the skills I have learned.  OK, get up, dust off, shoulders back, deep breath - I’m really sorry, how can I make this right?Sometimes sorry can’t erase what has been done – and sometimes things can’t be fixed or put back as they once were, but we can create room for something new to bloom.And if you are the recipient of the affront, ask yourself – what is my goal in calling it out?  Is this in the vein of “help or hurt?”  Do I want to “heal or squash?”  Do a sound check with your motives before acting and leave your retaliatory ego at the door.I’m sorry...two powerful words.Try them out.  Activate when needed.  See the magic.