Sticks & Stones
When hurtful words…hurt
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never harm me…. Well, maybe that’s not totally true. I’d like to believe that I’m “evolved” enough not to have my feelings hurt by the opinions of others, especially strangers. Actually, I take that back. I’m glad that I’m a living, breathing, feeling human being…even when it hurts.
What if we were to stop the stuffing away, the denying, pretending we don’t feel what we feel?
What if we revealed our cards, allowed our vulnerability to emerge and be seen — and we could remove the mask of false bravado?
Phew. What a relief! Maybe, just maybe, we wouldn’t be so alone in our pain.
Our feelings aren’t meant to be fixed, but instead felt. I want to share a recent personal experience that derailed me.
During a phone call, a friend shared some pretty outlandish and unkind things that were told to her about me by someone she knew (ouch). Honestly, I was shocked; they were quite outrageous and hurtful untruths by someone who doesn’t even know me. My friend supposedly defended me, but there really is no defending that can be done in a case like that. What is said is said. What is hurt is hurt and what is believed is often believed.
Still, it stung. I wasn’t immune to the attack and had apparently forgotten my Teflon suit at the office that day. I share this, not because I need to defend myself here, but rather because we’ve all been there, and I think there are a few things we can do.
I wanted to play it cool, not care, tilt my head back laughing like it rolled right off my back — but it didn’t. My cheeks reddened and a gamut of emotions quickly ensued; defensiveness, anger, sarcasm, snarky-ness…sadness.
The wound lies beneath the rage. It wants to be held and nurtured, not poked and prodded. So, it sends anger in to do its dirty work. Here, you handle this one.
Our words are far more powerful that we realize and when they callously fall from our lips, they take on a life of their own.
People gossip, say unkind words, spread untruths, judgements and can be cruel. We’ve all bared the brunt of this and been on the receiving end. How we react is a choice; add to the pollution or seek the solution. In this case, I didn’t ask the name of the person who said it. I didn’t even contemplate a confrontation. I didn’t try to defend myself. I retreated and sat with my little girl hurt and asked, Why is this coming up? Why is this bothering me so much? How can it serve me? What can I do with it?
We don’t need immediate answers or resolution, we simply need to take a deep breath and remind ourselves it’s OK to feel. There’s a big distinction between burying and stepping away (or wanting to punch someone). We can’t hear the wisdom of our intuitive voice unless we step out of the chaos and ground ourselves. Later in the day my friend texted me that she was sorry she had told me. I wasn’t. I trusted it had appeared for a reason.
No matter how old I get, there’s still a young girl within me who wants to be liked, be included on the playground, invited to the parties, picked for the kickball team. And there is the woman I have grown into who has weathered many storms and navigated many life chapters chock full of ups and downs and missteps and messiness. She knows better, she doesn’t want to be paralyzed by the opinions of others, yet she is alive, showing up and navigating this thing called life, trying to be her Best Self. To be alive is to feel (all of it).
If I had depended upon the opinions of others, I would never have taken a single bold step in my life, terrorized by what they would think. If I had been detoured by every criticism along the way, I’d be rocking in the corner afraid of my own shadow. I wouldn’t have taught myself how to write or interview or build something. I wouldn’t have stumbled, fallen, dusted off and gotten back up (and trusted I could do that whenever I needed to). I would never have tried new things. I would’ve stayed stuck mired in insecurity. I would’ve buried my dreams bullied by the unkindness of another. Instead, I went for it and kept trying.
I have my strong opinions, beliefs and flaws just like the next person. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned along this Best Self journey it’s that I want to refrain from rigidity, remain malleable and tender. I want to learn and grow and evolve and be open and expand until the day I die.
The world doesn’t need know-it-alls, it needs flexibility and kindness.
It needs a safe place to share thoughts, opinions, visions and love. It needs cheerleaders and dream keepers, not those sitting on the sidelines knocking others down because they don’t think the same way, do the same things. It needs room for each of us to learn from one another — to be curious. These crazy times of great divide don’t need any fuel on the already raging fire. I think we can do better.
So how do we get beneath the rigidity of our own selves and ease back into trust—and the truth of who we are?
When I awaken each morning, I ask God to fill me with his grace. I pray to be released from my own judgment of others and to find ways to serve, love, create goodness — to not get distracted in that which isn’t mine. That doesn’t mean we can’t be discerning or have opinions. I know when ugly thoughts rear up within me — that is about me, no one else — shining a light upon something I need to see.
My goal in life isn’t to be “right”, it is to be real — and to be real is to take bold steps, to listen to your heart and your intuition, to align with what you know to be truth. When a step no longer feels right…pivot and choose again. Change your mind. Turn in a different direction. Even away from people. Embrace a new thought. Say sorry. Be malleable. Grow within the compost of your life experiences. That’s precisely how we use life instead of feeling used up by it.
I don’t want to live in a world where we can’t be human, share our opinions, make mistakes and exchange ideas. No, I want to live in a world where we can expand within the wisdom and heart of one another.
We are coming up against tremendous divide in our families, communities and the world at large, seemingly at every turn. Stop the merry-go-round I want to get off. Let’s impart a little self-reflection and ask ourselves what’s coming up for us during these encounters. Are we throwing sticks and stones, squashing, extinguishing the ideas of others? Are we impressing our need to be right upon others? And if so, why?
I’m not sure why someone decided to say unkind things about me and there’s nothing I can do about that. But I can show up better tomorrow than I did today. I can do my personal work. I can be mindful. I can bring forth the best of me without being a doormat. I can also create protective boundaries for myself.
As Dr. Wayne Dyer famously said, “your opinion of me is none of my business.”
I’m a work in progress. I care. I feel. I hurt. And I know you do too because you are trying your very best during these complex times of navigation. Let’s just hold hands and do the best we can to get through it all.
You do you, I’ll do me, respect each other in the process, refrain from trying to change anyone — and let’s feel our way through it all. That’s where the real pot of gold lies. Calling all feelings! Come out, come out wherever you are
Have you felt under attack or noticing this around you lately? How have you been handling it and keeping your heart soft? Please share with us in the comments below.