Have You Ever Fallen? Thoughts on Finally Becoming The CEO of My Life
Rising from the ashes after a dramatic fall from grace, a deeply personal share about reclaiming power and possibility
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Do our bodies hold memory? I ask mine what it feels and whatit remembers about this day.
17 years ago almost to this moment, I was sitting at my deskin pajamas drinking my morning coffee, getting ready to begin my day as anexuberant toddler in footy pajamas was riding throughout the apartment on hisscooter…OK, so to be clear it was actually a double cappuccino hand-deliveredby my driver. This was a morning ritual. As he came to pick up the husband tousher him off to work, he delivered this dark nectar of the gods from the Greekdiner on the corner of Madison Avenue and 79th Street and hid acigarette or two above the front doorframe for me to indulge in on the terrace afterthe husband had vacated the premises. It was another life, in another time.
Our house was steeped in routine and ritual day in and dayout, a changing of the guards of sorts. Husband left. Wife indulged vices (codefor self-medication) and awaited her relief — her housekeeper and her nanny — beforegetting to work. My office was located in our luxury condo with 3 bedrooms and4 bathrooms. And for anyone who knows New York City real estate, that’s a thingworth mentioning. But I digress.
The point isn’t what I was wearing, what I was drinking or where I was sipping it. The point is that this was the day that shifted everything — and I don’t use the term ‘everything’ loosely.
Though it started out as a day seemingly like so many others, it was the one in which my life literally fell apart at the seams in a chain of salacious events that would leave me divorced, penniless and dragged through the court system in a high profile scandal I had nothing to do with…all with a toddler in tow. Yeah, you can’t make this stuff up.
Kristen Noel and son Miles at the beach, around 2002
And as I recount it 17 years later, I curiously refer tomyself in the 2nd person, not simply for artistic license, butbecause…the truth is that I barely recognize her.
She wasn’t a bad person. She just didn’t know that she wasasleep. She thought the physical trappings she was surrounded by would finallymake her feel safe, but they actually never did. In ways she was a princesstrapped in the tower. But she was about to wake up and meet the person who iswriting this today. And the person of today would reach back, hold her hand andpull her forward…Trust me, you can do this.You are meant to dothis…and there is so much more YOU to discover and become. This isn’t aHallmark greeting card full of “you can do it” ra ra rah. This is your life.Fasten your seatbelt. You are about to walk through the fire. You will getburned, but you will also begin to reclaim the breadcrumbs you have left foryourself along the way — you will begin to see your role in landing here andyou will find your way out, I promise.
Most of all, you will wake up. You will unleash truepower within you that you never knew existed. You will remember who you are.You will heal. You will love again. And that young woman will feel like astranger to you one day as she fades into the horizon. But hold onto her; honorher, forgive her, love her, see her in compassion…because she got you here. Andwrite the damn book before you forget the pain, anger, fear and trauma. Youcan’t see it now, but they too will slip away. But before they go, use them.Don’t be used by them. They came for a reason. Thread their wisdom through thestory of your life, weave a new one and keep on weaving.
So I ask my body, How do you feel?…and as I sit insilence remembering, gentle tears well up. There is sadness. I’m sorry,I whisper to her. I didn’t honor you then, I ignored you, I denied you, Ibeat you up for a long time…but I see you now. Thank you.
Is there a story that you are hiding from…something you’drather shove to the recesses of your memory? Perhaps it’s too painful, triggersemotions, angers you or brings up feelings of shame? Could you imaginereleasing yourself from its clutches?
Yes, the body remembers and stores its memories deep withinour cells. But there are also gentle cues for healing.
This life journey isn’t about being saved. It is about beingseen. It isn’t about rewriting history. It isn’t about beating yourself up. Itis about activating all that is already within you. It is about becoming yourown superheroine and saving yourself. And it doesn’t matter what that path tohere looked like, how long it took, or how difficult it was.
You are here now. You got here as fast as you could. Perfectlytimed.
So now, what are you going to do with all that good stuff? Youworked hard to find your way to this moment. Make it count. Make it worth thewhile and thread that into the Best Selfer you were meant to be.
I share a bit of my trauma to convey the scope of how far wecan fall and how high we can soar when we allow ourselves to step out of oldstories and into the magnificent embrace and power of healing. Trust where lifeis leading you.
Like most life-altering shifts, mine started with fallingapart. And dare I say, that isn’t always the worst thing. Life presents myriadopportunities for each of us to seek so that we can step into that new role asCEO of our Best Selves. Let’s just say I was a reluctant CEO…however, I have neverregretted stepping up for a moment since.
Let life happen to you. Life is in the right, always.
~ Rainer Maria Rilke
Is there a story or event that has held you captive? Is there a part of you that needs to come alive…to wake up? We learn best through the sharing of story…will you share something of yours in the comments below?