Full Dis-Closure: Closure Isn’t a Tango for Two, but Rather an Inside Job
It takes two to tango, but contrary to popular belief, closure is a solo dance — a homecoming to self and reclaiming one’s power once and for all
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I just need to get some closure.
What is ‘closure’ after all? It’s a sentiment that getstossed around regularly in conversation. Who hasn’t uttered those wordsat some point? But I question if there really is such a thing — or at least inthe way we build it up to be. Does it actually provide us with an energeticportal to walk through in which we can literally close (or slam) a door behindus? Perhaps, but maybe not.
In getting closure, we often look to others for answers,explanations and the keys to release us from our own emotional handcuffs. Allthe while our soul is crying out, give me back my power — and btw, who saidyou could have that in the first place?!
We inflate the role of others in our heads to the extentthat we cannot find this ultimate peace or relief without their participation...sowe carry it, usually for far too long as it slowly gnaws away at us. But I’mcalling this ‘closure’ business out because I think we’re going about it allwrong.
Maybe closure is just an imposter and an excuse who doesn’tknow how to dance solo. Think about it. What if instead of asking for our powerback, we learned to take it back — better yet, to never give it away? Nowwe’re talking.
Look, we’re not immune to feeling and to responding, nor dowe want to be. We are living, breathing, pulsating beings absorbing the worldaround us and that is part of what makes us so magnificent — provided we don’tslip away in the process.
I recently had a conversation that was difficult to have. It had been building up for years (like over a decade), which means it was larger than life in my own private Idaho than it was in reality (welcome to the human experience). And while it was cathartic in some ways, it also wasn’t about the change it could impart between 2 people — it was the surprising change it brought about in me.
By showing up, standing in truth and being able to express sentiments without the fanfare of anger, sarcasm, pain or emotion — I realized sitting there in that room, that I had already achieved what I had set out for: ‘closure’. I was released…and I had been the captor all along.
Closure is like scar tissue, the remnants of some pain orlife trauma. But the pain we experience in life is also an invitation intodeeper exploration, a chance to ask ourselves questions we may never have askedourselves before:
- Why does this hurt (what’s attached andunderneath it)?
- Have I felt this before (is it a pattern)?
- Why am I in conflict with this person (or stillin conflict, what’s taking so long)?
- What else is this bringing up (where else in mylife is this showing up)?
- What now…what do I want now?
When the crappy, painful, life events happen that cut through us and crack us open…we get to choose what comes next. We get to choose to be a victim or a life student, a martyr or a maestro of our own destiny — or maybe a bit of both.
I know because I was a victim for many years. I wore my victimhood like a badge of courage — they were the emotional shackles on my ankles that bound me to that story and that version of myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t curled up on a sofa, immobile —quite the contrary. I self-medicated with busyness and the art of surviving. ButI allowed my power to be zapped and my own limited thinking to bloom and thrive.I see how it happened. I understand why I was scared and scarred. I didn’t havetools and I didn’t think I had time to look for any. Oh, I had much to learnand connect.
Have you ever fantasized about sitting down with someone whohas ‘wronged’ you to hash something out? It’s like unveiling the Boogey Manunder the bed…or the great and powerful Wizard of Oz from behind the curtain —it’s all a little anticlimactic and no one’s as daunting as we built them up tobe. This is precisely what we do with our fears, unworthiness and perceptionsof others. They grow far more powerful in theory than they are in reality.
Closure isn’t about anyone else, it’s about uncovering the parts of yourself that are ready to be seen.
In their vulnerability they are pure and simple. They are truth…and being able to declare them will set you free. They are also gentle, compassionate and kind because they emanate from your goodness. They do not seek revenge rather release.
I’m not talking about cleaning up messes, disagreements orhurt feelings. As long as we interact in the world we will need to navigaterelationships with friends, colleagues, family and strangers — to practiceclear communication. And that’s a beautiful thing.
True closure is a homecoming; trusting, knowing and owningoneself. It isn’t an exterior experience, rather one that can only occurwithin. In other words, it’s a reminder that you had the power all along. You simplydecided to reclaim it.
Have you been seeking closure somewhere in your life — howdoes this pop up for you? Let’s bring some ‘closure’ (wink) to this by sharingour experiences here in the comments; the place where we can connect throughour stories.