Faith on Hold
Talk to the hand. Please hold. Today I took a break from FAITH (gasp, I know) - a little hiatus back into the old territory of self-pity (those old habits fit like gloves). I couldn’t help it. When that familiar sensation welled up within me, I merely surrendered, rolled over on my back, paws in the air - despondent. Sometimes it’s simply feels like trying to refrain from scratching a mosquito bite – it’s just not going to happen. Eventually you succumb, itching away, knowing full well that you will pay the price on the other end for this momentary indulgence. Feeling sorry for oneself can bring forth the same irresistible addictive sensations.Usually I can stand tall like Wonder Woman in the midst of the path - a formidable foe (in heels an all), defeating the deflating and depressive enemies of my own emotions that want to drag me down the dark side, but alas….today, I hoisted the white flag and off I went. Today, I put faith on HOLD.This typically spirals me down further, as I begin recounting a litany of things to myself – How could you put your faith on hold? Aren’t you a spiritual junkie? HOLD….how is that possible? And then the demons march in reminding me – you’re a fraud. How can you teach anyone anything about accountability or integrity?I nodded in agreement, fell deeper and cried more as I slipped right into my own selectively catered pity party. From that point further, my whole day fell apart. Nothing went right. (Of course, because that was the perfect energetic match to what I was feeling, experiencing and putting out there.)After screaming at the Universe…even dropping a few proverbial “F” bombs (don’t worry, the Universe can handle it), I suddenly realized the obvious. I needed a hall pass on faith in order to realign. Why was I beating myself up for slipping? Why was I beating myself up for experiencing my sadness, my tears, my fear? It was my experience after all. Denying it would have been worse. Now, while I know that this kind of stumble exhausts me both mentally and physically, it inevitably also brings me back to center – reinforcing the practices that I know to be true. Sometimes we need to test ourselves in order to re-prove it. Yet, we don’t need to chastise ourselves in the process.At the end of the day, my eyes were sore and puffy from crying – but it had been a long time since I had let myself go there. Though it isn’t exactly my destination of choice, it is not until we face our fear smack in the face that we can say…OK, I’m taking you off HOLD. As a matter of fact, I’m sending my fear on vacation with a one-way, non-refundable ticket. But thanks for the memories...and the reminder.Faith restored.Life is perfectly imperfect….so why can’t I be?