Detoured Yet Again
Recently knocked off my feet (and my game), I rerouted the detour…or at least tried
—
This time of year is always hectic. When my son was younger it was filled with end-of-year school activities, parties and sports events. More recently, it was filled with travel to his college graduation, work launches, garden planting, getting together with friends and spring cleaning…that is, until I got detoured. I’ll preface this by admitting, I don’t do ‘detour’ well.
I like my routine and pace. I like getting a lot done each day and squeezing the most out of my 24 hours.
Alas, I’m writing you from my bed with my leg elevated wrapped in icepacks with a lap desk…essentially immobile. It is early morning, the rain is falling gently outside my opened bedroom window and my sweet little furry companion gently snores next to me. She knows I need some extra TLC right now. Her energy is calming and tells me to rest.
But I want to….
Rest, she whispers back. Take a cue from me, she purrs.
Somehow, without any dramatic event, I managed to injure my knee during my beloved exercise class. There was no single moment where I felt it, no jarring pain…and then hours later it blew up to the size of a grapefruit and I went from buzzing about to being unable to walk. The real kicker: Bill was out of town and I was immediately consumed with vulnerability. How am I going to do this…how am I going to do that? I couldn’t help but focus on all that I couldn’t do. I started to feel scared and sorry for myself and frustrated and angry (and I didn’t know where to shove the anger). What if I need knee surgery? You can see where this inner dialog was headed.
Hey, it’s OK to feel it — the upset, the disappointment, the fear.
However, I know that wallowing there wasn’t going to shift anything…at least not in the direction I wanted to be moving. Showing vulnerability isn’t a forte of mine. But it’s exactly what I did. When a friend showed up to walk Zoey for me, I burst into tears and I actually let her know how I was feeling instead of stoically putting on a ‘good face’.
And you know what? She immediately responded by asking me if I had been icing and elevating my knee (no). She asked me if I had ice packs and any anti-inflammatory meds (no). She asked me if I had food for lunch (no). No to all of the above; I was too busy coming up with worst-case scenarios. OK, fine. I’ll admit I was a bit resistant the first day…my not taking care of things as I should have, and my denial, resulted in a lot of swelling. UGH.
But I got onboard. Got in bed, elevated my leg, iced it, took meds and asked for help and finally asked myself how I could see this all differently (never so easy to do in the heat of the moment). And yet, that is how life works. It’s not all about hindsight…it’s about showing up in that heat.
A quick conversation with my friend Katie helped me shake the funk I was in. Being the wise woman that she is, she asked me what the Universe could be trying to tell me:
Why are you being immobilized? Is there something you’ve been ignoring…some part of you that needs some nurturing? In essence, what’s the gift of the standstill?
At first, I wanted to resist this woo woo blah, blah, blah that I regularly subscribe to…but I knew she was right. And in fact, there was something that was important to me that I had shoved to the side and I wasn’t feeling good about it. It was something I could pick up and work on uninterrupted from my bed. There was also the acknowledgment of this monumental threshold I had just crossed…launching my baby boy into the world. We had just returned from his college graduation and, as usual, we were rushing from one event to another. That’s not the pace the heart moves at.
Before Bill, I was a single mom who lay awake at night wondering how I would ever support this baby, put a roof over his head…let alone pay for college. And without segueing off track here, Bill didn’t save me, he saw me. He held my hand and helped me remember who I was and what I was capable of. Within that love I managed to accomplish taking care of all those things I had previously laid awake worrying about.
So, I decided to heed Katie’s advice. But I also decided to thank my body for its health and strength and ability to heal — and refrain from focusing on what was wrong. Instead, I committed to supporting it during the process while acknowledging my fear. Truth be told, it was like cracking open Pandora’s Box. There was a parade of emotions I had ignored for a long time.
Another confession: I’m not a ‘patient’ patient. I felt like, OK, I’ve made the revelation, now fix the knee. Let’s get the show on the road! Ha. The Universe laughed. All in due time, dear one.
In life, we will come face to face with adversity. There is no avoiding it, no dodging it, no evading it. It’s not about luck, it’s about life.
We can reach for the opportunity in it if we choose or we can be victimized by it (and trust me, I’ve done both). It’s not about dismissing or denying the event — it’s just being with the ‘is’ — what is unfolding right now before you and asking why it has arrived.
In those moments, try to reach for things that make you feel better. Look around. Breathe. Ask yourself why you are being detoured. Are you moving too fast? Is there something you are ignoring or telling yourself you will get to eventually? Could you consider that the Universe actually did have your back, was working upon your behalf and paving the way for you to achieve your goals?
When my friends showed up with ice packs, herbal pain relievers and lunch, I felt so supported and loved. It isn’t always so easy for me to receive. But it also reminded me how important it is to show up for other people in need, especially those who live alone.
Here’s another reveal: I’m not a napper. Even though I completely know the merit of taking a nap when needed, it’s just not in my DNA (or at least that’s what I tell myself). After lunch I began to feel really sleepy. I asked my friend if the pills she had given me would do that. She replied, No. That said, my body was using a lot of energy to heal itself and it was tired. It whispered to me…get back in bed, take a nap — which is exactly what I did. On a gloriously crisp, sunny spring day with birds chirping and green leaves popping everywhere on tree limbs outside my window, I fell into deep, delicious slumber…and YES, in the middle of a workday. My body sent me a thank you note.
Later as I lay in bed working on my computer, a memory popped up in my feed. Two years ago to the day we had received this picture of Zoey from the breeder. It was the first time we got to see her sweet soulful face. 2 weeks later we would pick her up and bring her to her forever home. I felt a great deal of love for the gift of her presence in our lives. Just look at that face!
Zoey, 6 weeks old
Detours give us perspective and allow us to glance at ourselves and all that we rush on by throughout the day, with a new lens. We can sit with and rise to the challenge or not. We can resist and complain — or we can surrender and trust that it will all be OK.
Don’t try to outsmart your common sense and intuitive self. Don’t spiritually bypass the knowledge and self-care you know to be true. Instead try falling into your detour’s embrace. OK, fine. Now that you are here, what gifts do you come bearing? What do you want me to see?
While recently reading a book I loved, Between Two Kingdoms: A Memoir of a Life Interrupted by Suleika Jaouad, I came across this passage where someone she met on a trip across country gave her some sage life advice. No, it doesn't have anything specifically to do with knee problems and yet it has everything to do with them. HOW we navigate our adversity determines the condition we will be in when we arrive at the other end.
Maybe these words will resonate with you (or at least make you smile...and I'll consider that a win!). When in a funk, Suleika was advised to:
1.) Write a list of things you are grateful for.
2.) Get your head out of your ass and take a walk outside (well, I can’t exactly do that with a bum knee, but you get the point).
3.) If you don't have an eating disorder, get some good fucking chocolate and a strong cup of coffee.
Point being: Shift your mindset, shift your experience. Get out of your way.
Take care of YOU. Move your body, move your mind...allow yourself to laugh and eat the chocolate. Give yourself the opportunity to do this differently. Ask for help. Receive it.
I set up a command post in my bed and just went with it. The world didn’t stop spinning. Sometimes (far more often than we care to admit) as the saying goes, we make a mountain out of a molehill. I wasn’t hugely productive, though I did make contact with the project I mentioned above. Instead, I mostly honored what my body needed. What a novel concept! That was my real job.
I don’t know how long it is going to take to heal, but I’m committed to being a part of the solution instead of the problem. I’m supporting my body and witnessing myself in the process. I feel like a complete rebel because I defiantly ate a cookie after breakfast that had been left by my friends in the kitchen. I know…shock and awe! Ha.
Eat the damn cookie and enjoy it. Take the nap. Cry. Read a book. Make a phone call. Take a picture. Snuggle with your dog. Feed your soul. Listen to your inner wisdom and most of all, ask the detour what it’s trying to tell you.
—
Update:
I feel that is only fair to share that since starting this blog and beginning this healing journey, I discovered that I had in fact not injured my knee as I initially suspected — and was diagnosed with Lyme disease. This has now been a month-long journey of extraordinary ups, downs, tears, revelations, smackdowns and profound self-discovery. I have learned a great deal about the power of my mind and my body’s incredible ability to heal. I have wrestled with my intuition, but in the end she won. She was right (she always is) and I am loved, supported and scraping the layers of old stuff that needed to be released. I am healing, peeling, and revealing. Detoured yet again…and it’s glorious.
Stay tuned, there will be many more updates to come. This experience has been a great teacher…aren’t they always?
Have you considered rethinking your own life detours and hiccups — seeing them as reroutes working upon your behalf? Please share your experience in the comments below.