Regret Me Not: Seeing the Right In Our Wrongs
How regret and remorse prevent us from seeing that our seemingly ‘wrong’ decisions may have been ‘right’ after all
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Every ‘wrong’ decision I’ve made has opened the door and ledme to the ‘right’ one. (Well, eventually).
It’s true. Think about it a moment. The problem is that weget stuck there — judging. We park ourselves, lose perspective and forget thatwe can put our keys in the ignition and drive away at any time — off into thehorizon of a new choice, a new opportunity. Instead, we beat ourselves up andcarry our ‘stuff’ with us the rest of the way, condemning ourselves to somefate of perception that just isn’t so.
And of course, this is easier seen with others than withinour own stories (so what else is new, right?). While recently sitting with adecades-old friend we started down that path and began lamenting a few of ourregrets. “God, I wish you still had your apartment in the city,” I said asvisions of hanging out on her balcony overlooking Central Park danced in mymemory. “Oh, please don’t go there — selling that is one of my biggest regrets,one of my worst decisions,” she responded.
But I wasn’t letting her go down that path because one: none of us have a crystal ball to guide us through life’s decisions and two: her seemingly ‘wrong’ decision led her to a beautiful ‘right’ one — the life she has created.
The regret story was like playing a broken record — nothing more than a bad habit, not steeped in reality.
But we are tricky that way and we can find infinite ways to be unkind to ourselves.
But you know what? Two city girl transplants sitting here on my back porch on a gorgeous summer night, drinking a glass of wine, listening to the birds, basking in golden evening sunlight and friendship…had done something very ‘right’ — and life was good.
In fact, for different reasons, we had each carved out newand unexpectedly peaceful and beautiful lives nestled in these mountains thatsurround us. The truth is that neither of us wants to move back to the city,but it’s all too easy to dance in regret. It’s just a pattern. As soon as Ioutlined all of her ‘right’ things, all the reasons she had actually made abeautiful decision for herself…we both exhaled and settled into the knowingnessof that truth.
Could I extend the same courtesy to myself the next time Idecided to park in that parking lot?
Refraining from hopping on the remorse train is a radical act of self-love and self-care.
Sure you can take the ride, but it never leads us anywhere worthy of our time — unless we are there to pick up the pieces of old stories and old wounds so that we can thread them back together and tell a new story.
Life leads us in unexpected ways all the time — some aremost unwelcome at the time. Just the other day I was talking to my 19-year-oldson about this very subject. Hiking up a mountain reflecting on life, I toldhim that the biggest regret I had was in not trusting myself, not listening tomy inner gut, not settling into what was unfolding around me. He listenedquietly, probably half-understanding what I was saying and half rolling hiseyes, but I continued and he feigned interest (wink wink). My biggest regretwasn’t the litany of wrong turns. It had nothing to do with the details of mychoices with my career, my money, my marriages…no, it was all about my lack oftrust and all the energy I expended trying to avoid that truth.
When we lose that connection to our inner compass, ourconnection to God and our divine plan in the world — we spin our wheels, wasteour energy and run in emotional circles. Everything becomes a big deal. We getlost in the minutia and miss the messages — the true guidance and plan, the newopportunity and open door.
Yes, I’ve spent way too much of my life responding tocircumstances and far too little of it believing that even in disappointment,pain and sorrow…there is purpose…another door.
I’m not going down the ‘everything happens for a reason’path, but it does. A closed door is a chance to turn in a new direction. Aheartbreak that you think you simply cannot recover from, is guiding you totrue love. The path may not be outlined before you and that’s OK, but trust it.Trust in you. Trust in the goodness of life. Trust in this very moment anddon’t waste it worrying about something you can’t change.
You can’t receive if you remain constricted in defensiveposturing. It’s normal to protect ourselves, but it’s also normal to breatheand allow yourself to exhale.
Ask what any situation is trying to offer you — and then askyourself what role you played in arriving here. And then just as if you weresitting with a dear friend on your back porch, not allowing her to hop on therunaway train of regret — could you do the same for yourself? Could you loveyourself enough to forgive yourself…and could you lay those burdens and oldstories down once and for all?
Find your way back to who you truly are at heart — a joyoussoul who desires to be freed from the shackles of the past.
- Where are you beating yourself up?
- Where are you holding onto resentment and anger?
- Where are you digging your heels in because youneed to be ‘right’ only to prove another ‘wrong’?
- Where are YOU in all of this?
Are you ready to see that your ‘wrong’ turns, just may have been ‘right’ after all? Remember, It’s OK to be happy…and regret free.
Are you ready to out yourself? Have you been hopping on that ‘ol regret train? Share with us where this shows up for you (and what you do with it) in the comments below.