How Are You Measuring Up? Releasing Comparison with Others

Rerouting That Comparison Game

 Do you ever find yourself measuring your success, happiness or well-being against another? We’ve all been there. A quick slip here, a glance over there and the next thing you know we’re sizing ourselves up. At times, it almost feels impossible not to — the key is to recalibrate and snap out of that thinking as soon as possible.The other morning, huffing and puffing my way up a curvy hillside road while out on a morning jog, I realized that working through our own emotional ‘stuff’ is much like hoofing it up an incline. Sometimes you can determinedly muddle through, and then there are other times when you need to slow down the pace or even pull off to the side and take a breather all together. And as with our biorhythms, the patterns of the moon or even Mercury-in-retrograde — things shift and the outcome is always different. But here’s the thing: We get to set the pace.As always, it got me thinking — thinking about how much effort and energy we expend bypassing our experiences and ultimately repackaging ourselves to be seemingly more palatable to the outside world. At this point, you would think we would all have marketing degrees! You may think this doesn’t apply to you, but I’ll ask you — is there an aspect of your life where you are hiding, where you are presenting one thing and experiencing another on the inside? Even just a tiny bit?I had a hunch.Somewhere along the line, we download this message that we never want to let others see us sweat. We want to look like we’ve got it all buttoned up in our professional lives and careers, in our love relationships, in our families and our relationship to ourselves. It takes a lot of energy to keep up this façade — and of course the more we do it, the less cognizant we become, that we are doing it.Then we start with the measuring. We measure our worth against that of others by virtue of our business successes, the size of our bank accounts or even our skinny jeans. We’ve all got our own flavor of insanity. Such benchmarks may be silly, but they can create havoc on our psyche. They get triggered differently for each of us. Sometimes they have formidable tentacles attached to childhood wounds or feelings of inadequacies. Unearthing them is the way to set yourself free.They say that much of what we perceive our experience to be is reflected back to us in experiences and interactions regularly unfolding around us. And there’s nothing like seeing something reflected back to us than in the form of our own children, an emotional legacy of sorts. Ouch!While boarding a plane recently with the resident teen, as we made our way through the aisle of the first class cabin and back towards our assigned seats, he playfully said, I like these seats. I want to sit here. And in sarcastic form, I responded, so does everyone else on the plane! We made our way to our seats and I didn’t think another word about it until a few days later.We were flying across the country to spend a couple of days at the home (and I must say, UBER lavish home) of old friends. Personal share alert: Upon arrival, when my friend informed me that she would be coming to New York to visit me — I felt an internal shameful panic well up. The conversation in my head started to swirl and go like this: OMG. WTF. My entire farmhouse could fit in her living room. What is she going to think of my little ‘ol house in the mountains? And some more OMG’s and WTF’s ensued.I’m not going to sugarcoat this because I think it’s important that we share authentic experience. For a long time, I had ‘dodged’ the visit-bullet. But as the love of my life reminded me, as he was talking me off the ludicrous ledge — clearly, I had some residual emotional housekeeping to attend to here and it was time to take it down once and for all. Damn.I couldn’t deny that despite all the ‘success’ in my life: a beautiful love relationship, a happy home and family, a passionate career, and good health — there is a financial Achilles heel. I don’t walk around focusing and coveting what others have, but I do have a bad habit of making myself feel ‘less than’ in this department. The more I uncover, the more I feel, the more I trace back and link to it’s origins — the more progress I make. The more I heal. Light at the end of the tunnel.It’s not comfortable to share our vulnerabilities, but it is a way to allow more perspective to enter. And besides, when we can share more truth with each other – the sooner we can progress in our own journeys and perhaps impact those of others.When my son heard that my friend was coming to visit, he said to me, “Mom, do they realize the size of our house?” That’s when I thought to myself, WHOA. I’m definitely not going to transfer this neurosis to him. The first step required telling the truth. When we hold in stories and self-defeating theories, they fester and grow, taking on a life of their own. When we ‘out’ them, much like flipping on a light switch in a dark room — they disappear.The next day, I sat with my friend and said, “I have to confess. I’m feeling insecure about your coming to New York. You know my house could fit into one of your rooms.” And she did what only a good friend can, she laughed and said, we don’t care if we sleep on a blow-up mattress, we just want to come be with you and spend time in your home. Poof. Reality injection. Stupid theory buster.I know it all seems pretty shallow and simple, and often it is, but it requires an action step — a truth-telling action step. I’ve shared this with my Mother before and she’s always reminded me that my house is beautiful, warm, inviting and evidence of a love-filled home. It’s not a judgment on equating a size of a house to the amount of love in it — it’s simply an observation about my home. Don’t get me wrong, I know it can still be a love-filled and happy one with some improvements and maybe a little expansion – but sometimes we need to love the one we’re with.The resident teen loves his home and so do we. And while we totally enjoyed living la vida loca at our friend’s house during our visit, we talked about how ultimately, it isn’t what we have or do, it’s how we make people feel. And in our house we like our family meals and conversations – late night candle-lit dinners on the back porch in the summer and by the fireplace in the winter. Our memories are about how we feel, not what we have. The key is feeling that inner peace wherever we are, no matter the size, circumstances or details. That doesn’t mean we need to let go of dreams, visions or aspirations. It just means be here now and be grateful for what you do have.If there’s a place you are repackaging yourself – take an action step on behalf of YOU. Admit it. Claim it. Experience it. And set it free.You are so much more than your limiting thinking. Besides we’re making this harder on ourselves than it needs to be. If we spent half the time we did repackaging ourselves, on doing the inner work — we’d be skipping through this human experience so much more joyously.Let’s give the measuring devices a break — are you in? Let’s do this!