Love & No Regrets

There are things that happen in all of our lives, things that stop us dead in our tracks, things that remind us that life is precious.  We promise ourselves that we will create more time to smell the flowers and do the things we feel passionate about, tell the people we love that we love them, and try not to sweat the small stuff…you get the picture.  And then we slip back into our ‘ol ways somewhat robotically – on autopilot, consumed by the busy-ness of life, work, family scheduling, commitments, etc.But what about our commitment to self?  Where and how do we carve out the time for that?  Life is full and it’s full of good stuff, but we must remain vigilant over our time, striking a balance between the have-to-do obligations and the want-to-do passions.I recently awoke to an exquisite June morning at a farm – crystal blue skies, sun beaming through the windows, gentle warm breezes, birds chirping; it was epic, as I sat subject in a summer painting.  I stirred amongst the fluffy down pillows and comforter excited about greeting the day ahead.  Coffee and a good book in bed?  I mulled it over…or perhaps some tennis and a swim?  Suddenly I was overwhelmed with a quiet sadness that crept into my idyllic early moments, abruptly yanking me from the landscape of my perfect start of the day.  Where did you come from?  Who invited you?  Hit the road Jack!It wasn’t budging.  I noted how odd the juxtaposition felt, a sudden script change.  I soon recognized that there was no turning this ship around.  Tears quietly streamed down my cheeks.  Why now?  Grief neatly tucked within me emerged - an uninvited guest.  It wasn’t as if I hadn’t cried.  As a matter of fact, to the contrary – I had cried buckets throughout the months.  I couldn’t shake this and grief decided to pay me yet another visit.  Should I still be crying all of these months later, I asked myself?  And then I just stopped asking and surrendered to my feelings.  I conceded to stop trying to control them and instead allowed myself to simply feel them.I missed my friend dammit! I think about her every day…and I’ll cry if I want to.  Though I initially felt guilty about indulging these emotions, I realized that they, in fact, needed to be celebrated.  Grief is a reminder of just how far the heart can stretch, how important someone was in our lives.  I wasn’t going to lie in bed crying all day, but I was going to acknowledge the place she once filled in my world.A few days before my friend Cindy died abruptly and unexpectedly in her sleep, I sat momentarily in my car at the bottom of my street, watching traffic, looking for an opportunity to pull out.  I was headed right, off to do errands.  A thought popped in, why don’t you turn left and head over to see Cindy for a quick hello and a cup of coffee?  Hmmm, tempting, I thought.  While that would have been nice, the voice on the right shoulder whispered…Oh no no, you have too much to do, it would be best to get all your errands done, said the pesky-Type-A-know-it-all.  She prevailed.  I headed right, didn’t really give it another thought, and by Wednesday my friend was gone – forever.  No more opportunities for coffee, no time to tell her goodbye, to tell her how much I love her, to tell her how grateful I am that she was in my life, my friend of 20+ years was gone.I want to roll back the clock.  I wish I could be back sitting at the end of my street, deciding whether to turn right or left.  I want a do-over.  I’d choose left.  I’d choose a coffee break.  I’d choose time with my friend.  Oh God, what I would do for one more coffee break with her.This isn’t about regret or beating myself up; rather, it is my version of take-time-to-smell-the-flowers.  Decide what the flowers of your life are and be as complete as you can at the end of each day.Allow yourself to feel what you feel.  When you put your head down on the pillow at the end of the night ask yourself, would you feel more contented to know that all of your tasks are completed or that you took time out to connect – to your passions, your people and the things that make your heart beat madly?Love and no regrets.