When we keep ourselves (and life) tightly wound, something ultimately has to give — and unraveling might not be such a bad idea after all
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I’ve fallen and I can’t get up…
Yep. That’s pretty much sums up how I feel today — and I decided not to sugarcoat it here because well, I know I’m not alone. We struggle. We fall and we don’t always bounce right back up. And dare I say, it’s probably better when we don’t (but more about that in a bit).
Today, I literally fell…right down the steps in my house with a handful of items that went flying across the room. There went my lap desk, my laptop, my iPhone, a book, some papers, pens, my glasses, etc. No, I wasn’t rushing about. I was actually walking quite mindfully, relocating my workspace for the afternoon. Though with all of those items in my arms I didn’t see the slippers on the steps that I was about to walk on.
Why were they on the steps you ask? Zoey, the resident pup. She loves my sheepskin warm and fuzzy slippers as a chew toy — and up until yesterday, she didn’t realize that she could go up and down the steps. So, we regularly put them there to get them out of her reach. So much for best laid plans!
Let’s just say that they don’t call them ‘slippers’ for nothing.
It all happened quite fast as these things do. Thankfully the stairway is carpeted. I went down flat on my butt. I don’t even remember how I braced myself, but I immediately felt pain in my shoulder and my foot, my poor foot.
Six weeks ago I broke my toe just days before taking my son back to college. I’d never broken a bone before, and have been somewhat impatiently waiting for it to heal as I witness summer and my days to jog and be outside slipping away.
As I sat there on the floor a bit in shock, I took a deep breath, took a quick assessment and just broke into tears…little girl sobbing, feeling-sorry-for-myself tears. My foot was throbbing…yes, the same foot! I had reinjured my broken toe and likely a few others this time around. My shoulder felt tweaked and my spirit deflated. In moments like those it can feel like the straw that broke the camel’s back as they say. They are the ones that push you to the brink…and make you pay deeper attention. But first…
What next?! Are you serious? FFFFFFF####CK! Then some more tears…and a few more expletives (had to get them out!).
I have been ‘grounded’ for 6 weeks, literally. First because of the limitations of my initial injury and then because of a mandatory quarantine post air travel. Just as I was gaining some traction…BOOM…down the stairs I went.
Dear God, there must be a message in this mess.
There always is. That said, I’m not going to wrap it in a bow. Instead, I’m going to encourage you to feel the feels. Cry the tears. Scream the frustrations. Write the words. Do whatever it takes to let the pressure out of the pressure cooker that is YOU and your pent up wounded emotions. We all have them. Move toward them rather than away from them.
Of course, I realized how fortunate I was that I didn’t break other bones or my computer. And then as I sat there observing myself cry about my aching foot, I remembered that a friend was sitting in a chemo treatment at that very moment. It was as if some inner voice was saying, Buck up. Pull up your big girl panties and carry on. THIS is no big deal. Chemo is a big deal. Get over it!
In the grand scheme — no, it isn’t a ‘big’ deal, but it was my deal. In that moment, to me, it felt overwhelming and made me feel as if I were unraveling. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with emotions and nothing was right. It was much bigger than the foot.
Don’t judge what comes up and compare your experience to another’s. Our pain is relative. We’ve likely already spent so much of our lives bypassing our feelings, rushing by the wounds and ignoring the emotions. Alas, that is why they repeatedly rear their ugly heads.
And you know what happens when we do? We get knocked down and then we can get overwhelmed with emotions. When I was crying in that puddle at the bottom of my staircase…it wasn’t just about my foot. No, it felt like everything else that was bubbling up in my subconscious came flooding forward to be seen as well. Honestly, it felt totally overwhelming and I felt deflated, lost and like a loser. I’m not sure what this all means for me right now (though I have my suspicions), but I can promise you I’m going to be investigating it, receptive and trying to work through it. It is pulling me.
COVID has felt like a colossal shut down / opportunity; one that doesn’t really appear to be lessoning in intensity. It’s encouraged us to look at things. Accordingly, we’ve all made adjustments in our lives and businesses. You’ve probably been a curious observer of some of your own reactions to things — as we’ve all likely witnessed some surprises (things that didn’t actually bother us as much as we thought they would) and some discoveries (things that revealed themselves as agents of change prompting us to make new choices). Perhaps you’ve had a combo platter like me.
Sometimes things need to unravel — patterns, behaviors, relationships, jobs, agreements, thinking, etc. Sometimes we need to pivot and change direction. Sometimes we don’t have the answers and we don’t know what our next move is.
Sometimes we simply have to allow ourselves to sit on a pile on the floor and cry and feel it.
This has been a tremendously frustrating experience for me. I don’t like feeling out of control, being unable to walk or exercise, but I also see how I have lost my footing in more than one way. What better metaphor than my foot grounding me, right?! Trust me, the irony isn’t lost upon me.
Unraveling is necessary. Think of how tightly wound up our lives are. We define ourselves with certain titles, labels, job descriptions and commitments leaving little wiggle room for change, much less anything else. We carry on as if life will go on forever and there will be time to catch up. But what if there isn’t?
Is there a place in your life that needs a bit of unraveling and some wiggle room?
Pay attention to what is calling to you because it won’t stop. It wants your attention and it will get it one way or another. Think of it as a call from your guardian angel, Kristen, I need to get your attention. You have not been listening or picking up the subtle cues I’ve been leaving about. Sorry, I had to make this one a bit more obvious for you.
Life assessment allows us to sit with our feelings and to ask —
What’s working, what’s not?
What is this really about, what am I pretending it is?
What excites me, what evokes anxiety?
What do I want to hold fiercely to, what shall I allow to go?
What am I listening to, what am I ignoring?
Unraveling creates space to release, exhale, see, heal and be — most of all it allows for edits and rewrites. You are the author of your next chapter…and the one you are within. But it also takes courage to look at it and to possibly change course — to release yourself from things that aren’t serving your highest potential. We’ve spent a lot of time ‘un-seeing’ ourselves, perhaps today is a good time to simplify it all and trust that if it’s calling you — you are ready to see. Don’t be afraid. Trust me, your Best Self has got you!
Is there an area in your life calling for some unraveling? Please share with us in the comments below how it’s coming up for you and how you are navigating it all.
Jo Young says
What is unraveling for me is the way I have defined things in the past. I’m realizing that any thoughts I attach to something – a situation, a person, a feeling, etc are just my story. I’m choosing to unravel and let go of old descriptions. I’m finding so many surprises when I don’t predefine an outcome or attach an old meaning, but instead just allow whatever is present.
Thank you for your share and authenticity! ❤️
Kristen Noel says
That is brilliant sister! Yes, releasing ourselves from old stories and predefined definitions. Boy, that frees up some space doesn’t it?! Thank you for showing up with your open heart, wise soul and beautiful being — back at you for sharing yourself and your authenticity. This is certainly something that needs unraveling. Love you lady. xo
Gail Larsen says
Kristen, I fell over the dog toys last week, hit my face on a wood chair and landed on the hip I broke 6 years ago! Once I assessed there was no real damage, I sat on the floor and wailed, releasing all the pent-up emotion of these months of being grounded! The dogs one by one came and sat on my lap to comfort me. I really got the need to grieve deeply for all that is happening in the world and our own personal ongoing discomfort. Thanks for writing about this so beautifully. Love, Gail
Kristen Noel says
Thank you for sharing this story here…crazy how similar it was to my exact experience. I was right there with you as I read this, feeling the deep feelings. And yes, the tears needed to come. The emotions needed to be released and most of all we needed to be able to receive the love back. Our pets are magical…they just know. I’m so grateful you didn’t hurt yourself further, but grateful for the exhale of the pent-up emotions. You are so loved dear one. You give to so many. You are a dream keeper and an activator. Thank you for showing up here and for aligning so many of us with our medicine. You are medicine and the world needs your beautiful heart and soul. So grateful I know you. xo
Beverley says
I loved the blog…….. I’m just getting over some major back surgery. First ever.. I’m 74 ..
I have these dark moments when I’m feeling very uncomfortable and start to wonder if this is my “rocking chair on the porch time”? Is this my life going forward? OMG! I’m not ready for this! I’m fighting through the pain and discomfort and trying to figure out my next moves. Unraveling. The rocking chair will have to wait. ……….
Thank you,
Beverley
Kristen Noel says
Oh Beverley, nothing rocks us and makes us feel quite as vulnerable as feeling physically compromised. It’s amazing how hard we are on ourselves…we want to rush healing and give it a timeline. What’s that saying?…”We make plans and God laughs.” Ha. Exactly. I literally could not believe that I re-injured my toe after almost healing it from an injury 6 weeks prior. But I knew there was nothing to do but surrender and resist resisting. Don’t future trip about the rocking chair…love your back, give it the time it needs. Yesterday I actually thanked my toes for supporting my fall. I could’ve hurt myself so much worse. I literally flipped the story for being upset to being grateful. It doesn’t change the reality of the moment, but it did change my energy. I’m sending you healing prayers and love for your back. Let what needs to unravel, unravel. xo
Patricia Wainwright says
Your words touched my heart. I too, fell, one day. Could not believe it. Me!!! So organized, and careful and aware of being present. It was a lesson. Slow down. You are not perfect. Unravel. Get some space, BREATHE…. And I did . The fall was a message to me to stay open and loose.
I practice every day. Love this blog.
Peace,
Pat
Kristen Noel says
When my wise next door neighbor heard about me breaking my toe the first time, she said, I need to teach you to walk mindfully. And anyone who’s broken a toe knows how paranoid you suddenly get when walking with an injured foot. Every time I walked around the house after that I reminded myself, “Walk mindfully.” Stop rushing! I was frustrated with how long the healing took…and BOOM. I just looked ‘foot problems’ up in one of Louise Hay’s books and it said…”Fear of the future and of not stepping forward in life.” Hmmmm. So, like you…I’m seeking the deeper message, slowing down and breathing. I’m also allowing…and that’s a practice in itself. Thank you for showing up here Pat and for these beautiful words. xo
Pam says
Ladies, my “fall” was more emotional than physical. As a single mom raising 4 kids, and working full-time, I realized I was exhausted. So I took early retirement at 62, with zero savings, knowing I could survive (barely) on SS. But within 3 months my car bit the dust; I’ve had to return to working, but decided to do so only parttime. Even so, I tend, like many, to “stay on the treadmill” until exhaustion forces me to take a day off from life and simply “let it be”. It’s very encouraging to know I’m not alone in this need to relax and “just breathe”.
Donna L Hein says
You are a saint for sharing your life. This is the second time you have written about something that has been effecting me. Between COVID and a rollover accident I had last year and with a lot of time to myself. I never knew how much trauma and faulty thinking I have held on to. I need that big cry too but always hold back. Our lives are not like they use to be. At 70 it’s like a last chance to be happy and get it right. Everyone that is hanging on. Let’s keep hanging on. Better days have to be ahead. Love to all.
Kristen Noel says
Oh Donna, thank you for this wonderful share. Yes, better days are ahead and they are already here in this awakening of sorts, in this beautiful community and within all of these gorgeous discoveries. It’s starts today. Most of us are just so tightly wound up in the way we think life should be, the way we should act and feel, etc. Yes, we would all be served by a good cry. We all know how cathartic that feels and yet, we avoid it at all costs. My father used to say, “stop your crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” I was a sensitive kid and well, I cried a lot. But the world tells us not to feel and then we develop layers of protection and behaviors. I guess the greatest gift of COVID has been the collective pause —— an opportunity to reevaluate and reassess. Like you said, let’s get it right or ‘righter’ and keep moving in that direction. Let’s release what no longer serves us and let’s have the courage to see it. Thank you for sharing your life here —— may you feel seen and supported and know we are walking beside you rooting you on. xo
Celeste Orr says
I’ve been feeling very similar these days, friend. Wishing I could come by and feel the feels with you!
Kristen Noel says
We could use a good ‘ol coffee chat right about now couldn’t we?! Well, the truth is that we are all feeling the feels right now. This time of disruption has’nt left a stone unturned. I definitely think some are more aware of the cues…perhaps because they are ready to see / deal with them. No judgment, but it is what it is. You are such a fierce mama, open-hearted seeker…of course you are feeling it all. Just keep nurturing that beautiful spirit and soul of yours and all will reveal itself and fall into place as it already has for you many times over. That’s the thing…we forget the wins, the triumphs, the goals achieved and focus instead on the fears. And no doubt, you can handle this and make beauty out of it. Sending you a BIG fat hug and feeling a little gypped that I didn’t get a real one this summer. Hang in there friend. Love you. xo
JoAnn says
thank you Kristen! so sorry about your fall ~
beautiful questions i will be sitting with ~
thank you community, sharing and witnessing together ~
Kristen Noel says
Thanks for the love JoAnn…while the 2nd injury has left me a little pouty…I’ve surrendered to it. And I swear, the moment I stopped complaining about it, my foot started healing faster. It is what it is — and while it has been a great disruptor, I am trying to do the same…to sit with the questions and see what comes up. This community has shown up in such a BIG way to share their experiences and commune in truth telling. We are in this 2020 thing together witnessing things bubble up in our lives and holding hands through it. It looks differently for each of us, but life has more in store for all of us. More of our Best Selves! Let’s not be afraid. xo
Shelley says
This week I literally unravelled. In the past 6 months I’ve lost my job and then had it reinstated at part time due to covid, I’ve started to study to train to be a therapist which has unleashed all sorts of my old memories, issues and anxieties, I’ve lost a workmate that I admired, my sister is always angry with me and then this week I had to end my 4 year relationship when my boyfriend told me he was in love with an online woman he’s been talking to for 7 years and wants to spend his life with her. I’ve thought I was dealing with each of these things fine until last night when I just started sobbing. This morning I know that I’m on the edge of my new life – I don’t want to stay at my job much longer, I have amazing new skills to build a large therapy business, my sister’s emotions are her own business and I had been pulling away from my boyfriend for a long time and it was really only my ego that was bruised. Each of those questions you noted I had been pondering but didn’t want to address because it would be hard so I ignored it and lost myself at the same time. Today I feel like I am literally upgrading every area of my life and me. Thank you for your timely email xx
Kristen Noel says
WOW. WOW. WOW. That’s all I can say. This is a blog post in itself…you see it, you are allowing yourself to feel it and life is opening up. Damn. Major kudos to you! This is tough stuff. And I know it sounds contrived to say ‘trust’ that things are working out for you or that you are being pointed in a new direction —— because quite frankly when you are walking through the fire…it just hurts and its hard. But your beautiful story is testimony to the power of the pivot. It’s so easy to see it from the outside for other people (isn’t it always?) —— but you are allowing yourself to see it for yourself. And look…like is revealing itself to you. I’m also sure it has so much more in store for you. THANK YOU for sharing this with me (us). It is so powerful and will help anyone who reads it see and reach for something else in their own life no matter what they are facing. You go! Rock on with that beautiful life of yours. You are going to be a wonderful therapist. Thanks for being a part of this community. xo