KRISTEN NOEL

Motivational Writer & Speaker

  • About
  • Writing
  • Speaking
  • Workshops
  • Interviews
  • Best Self
  • Blog
  • Contact

What Are You Bringing to the Table?

Photograph of vintage silverware by Debby Hudson
Photograph by Debby Hudson

The message within the mess — embracing what is calling to be seen and the medicine of the clean-up

—

No one really likes a mess — least of all when it’s ours. That said, like reading tea leaves at the bottom of a cup — there is much wisdom to be found within the mess. In fact it’s often the map.

Recently, I brought a combustible, not-so-best-self, energy-sucking bomb to the dinner table. Yep, it’s true. I sat down with my family and brought it all with me. I knew it was happening, but I still did it. That train had left the station as they say.

Typically, by the time I sit in my seat, look around, take a deep breath and soak in the goodness of what is at that table — for example, glorious summer light beaming through the windows illuminating everything, a beautiful backyard to gaze out at, an energetic puppy beneath the table nipping at our toes and tossing toys — and of course the faces of those I love most — I pivot and reset. But sometimes even that doesn’t work. My mood doesn’t shift and I hold onto it all like a dog with a bone. Yeah unfortunately, that was me on that particular night.

And you’ve probably heard the saying, that when Momma’s not happy…well, no one is. Run for cover! All joking aside, it’s because we tend to hold it back until we’re ready to explode. Not a great strategy I must admit.

I remember a movie from the late 90’s called Sliding Doors. Now before you rush to look it up…I don’t recall if it was any good, but its premise stuck with me all of these years. It basically demonstrated how one choice, one step could lead to one outcome, one direction — and conversely, another choice…another outcome or direction. The movie cleverly depicted both outcomes — how life would play out based upon what path was chosen. And yes, while that seems so obvious — it’s the accountability piece that we discard when we consciously choose to engage in situations that we know are not going to end well (like my dinner table debacle).

Because here’s the thing — when we bring that to the table, we also risk bringing those we love most down with it. OUCH. Yes, sometimes we can work our way out of these things quickly, but sometimes we bring the others with us. Our energy is powerful, very powerful.

And that night, I’m not proud to say — I brought the table down with me. It can start with a snarky remark and combust from there. Perhaps my mood or vulnerability met that of another and boom. Then you are not only left with cleaning up your own mess, but that which you instigated topped with a generous serving of guilt. Back to the movie…sure, I could’ve chosen another door. Perhaps when I first sat down, I could’ve announced, “I’m in a vile mood…please help — or hide!”

Sometimes we simply need to claim it, name it and invite the people we love in — or spare them.

It’s not fair to expect others to read our minds. The truth is that sometimes we wait until we are almost at the point of no return before we even identify our own source of pain. It all leads back to clear communication with self and others. It’s understanding what is needed in that moment to unravel the emotion…not the family. When we stop scurrying about incessantly trying to stay busy, bypassing issues at hand — and instead simply identify what is unfolding — we can begin to let the pressure release in a much healthier way.

These are crazy times. Nothing is the same and a lot of emotions are bubbling up as a result of it. Some things may remain, others not. Some things may be worth fighting for, others not. But one thing’s for sure: we need to find a way to stay grounded and the key to that is truth — both standing in it and telling it. Allow yourself to feel what is asking to be felt. Resistance will only create the internal pressure cooker that you’ll only be able to keep a lid on for so long.

Don’t let it get ugly unnecessarily…that only compounds the whole ordeal.

For me, I’ve been feeling a great deal of unrest lately; insecurity, resentment, judgment, anger and deep sadness. It’s honestly been a bit surprising. I even recognize a sense of mourning — mourning what was, the past, what may never be again. Being your Best Self doesn’t mean you are immune to the human experience — none of us is immune to this. Beating yourself up because you feel you should know better only piles on unnecessary shame.

But here’s the good news, even if you are like me, and you tend to take the long way home — know that there is great medicine in the cleanup. Our mess is often the map. It guides us to the places we need to go, the things we need to see, the wounds we need to nurture. It reminds us to show up for ourselves and others. It connects us to ourselves and others. It points us back to our true power.

But don’t rush the mess, the process, the pain or any of it. That’s an old trick of mine — the quick clean-up. However, it doesn’t allow for full healing and like me, you’ll likely find yourself back in the same spot somewhere in the not-so distant future again. So, why not instead, allow yourself space, time and feeling. Be bold. Declare things for yourself. Allow yourself to see things differently (these are not just words). And guess what? You may just be surprised…the world around you won’t crumble or stop turning and best yet, you may start to feel expansive decompression throughout your entire being.

And remember to be kind with yourself as you navigate this territory. Think of ways to support this process and growth. In times of uncertainty we need to be held, not admonished. Do that for yourself. Witness what comes up without judgment. This isn’t a routine dental cleaning. Allow it to unfold in whatever amount of time is needed.

Pay attention to the big ways and small in which you drown out the call of your soul; losing yourself in scrolling mindlessly through social media or TV? Staying in perpetual motion? Reaching for unhealthy, ‘comfort food’ choices? Don’t worry, we’re all in this together and have our ways.

I’ve been feeling a great deal of discomfort in many aspects that are calling for a shift. However, I’m not going to allow them to overwhelm or drown me. Instead, I’m trying to trust them — as I somewhat skeptically tiptoe towards new things. Not my comfort zone for sure, but I’m giving it a whirl.

We are being called to navigate everything differently. Trust that you are stronger than you know.

The old ways are no longer serving us. It’s time to shed some old behaviors and skins. What are you ready to heal and discard? Let’s bring that to the table instead!

Yes, our mess is often the map…don’t be afraid. Roll up your sleeves and allow the layers of your evolution, expansion and healing to come forth. Your Best Self awaits dear one. And remember, you can always choose again, a new door, a new way, a new feeling.


Have you ever brought your not-so Best Self to the party — gotten in your own way and not been able to stop your own runaway train? Please share your strategies for handling the mess and reading your own map with us in the comments below (the place we can connect in community and hold space for each other).

Comments

  1. Sarah Marshank says

    July 16, 2020 at 9:14 pm

    Hi Kristen,

    First of all, thank you. I’ve been a fan since we met years ago at Emerging Women. Carry on sister!

    Regarding this blog … I encourage you to go rewatch Sliding Doors. If my memory serves me well the premise of the movie is that regardless of which door we walk through right now — which action or attitude we “choose” — the outcome will be the same in the end. If this is so, then the assertion you make in this blog — that our choices now matter regarding outcomes later — would probably be better supported by another movie.

    Sending love and blessings to you and your family and all of your choices,
    Sarah

    Reply
    • Kristen Noel says

      July 17, 2020 at 12:05 pm

      Oh how wonderful to see you pop up here Sarah! And oh,Emerging Women…that was such an amazing event. I hope this finds you well and thriving.

      Thanks for sharing your comment. It actually inspired me to watch the film again last night! It had been on my list for awhile. Not sure why that film was swirling about and it had been a LONG time since I had seen it, but I digress. The film is certainly full of salient takeaways…and yes, you make a very good point (thank you). However, without giving the entire premise away, while it is about parallel outcomes — I wouldn’t say it was about everything always working out the same in the end. I wouldn’t say that the boyfriend’s choices all worked out the same in the end.

      It was fun to see again and revisit these points. Sending you love and blessings back. So grateful for your wisdom here. xo

      Reply
      • Sarah Marshank says

        July 20, 2020 at 9:39 pm

        Sweet, Kristen!

        I, too, am inspired to rewatch. I recall it being one of my favorites back then … right alongside films like the Matrix and Shawshank Redemption. On my list for tonight!

        Thank you for personally responding to my note and staying steady in what you are bringing forth in these times. NIce to reconnect.

        Much love,
        Sarah

        Reply
        • Kristen Noel says

          August 12, 2020 at 8:32 pm

          Much love back to you Sarah! While my son was home from college for this extended COVID-19 staycation, we too watched tons of ‘old’ movies together. Now you’ve inspired me to want to see the Matrix again. Shawshank Redemption is a fave! Thanks for popping in here and being a part of this community. xo

          Reply
  2. Penny says

    July 16, 2020 at 11:22 pm

    Thank you so sincerely! This message has resonated in my heart at the most perfect time. Kristen you have a very special gift. Thank you again for sharing with us. The past months have been filled with so much uncertainty. It has been very difficult some days to find the blessings but I believe they are there waiting for us to discover everyday. We definitely need to find our voice and share our thoughts and feelings in a loving way. That’s been my lesson this week for sure.

    Reply
    • Kristen Noel says

      July 17, 2020 at 11:53 am

      I think that’s truly our real lesson each day Penny. Such a good point…thank you! That said, we are probably (hopefully) more aware of it right now. And that is also probably a good thing. Think of it as getting a chiropractic adjustment. Maybe we are all being realigned to what is truly important. We can choose to go back to old ways of scrambling around, rushing, busyness, bypassing feelings or not and carve a new path. Sometimes when one feels helpless or scared, the most empowering thing you can do is focus on what you CAN do in that moment, what you can fix and change, what you can appreciate. Right now, that’s what I’m trying to do. And P.S. sometimes we see things about ourselves that we may not like seeing (like my dinner debacle). Let’s just call that a hard-earned lesson. Sending you love and gratitude for showing up here in this community and for yourself. Your words are a gift to me so never underestimate the power of love shared. xo

      Reply
  3. Dee Hettman says

    July 17, 2020 at 2:10 am

    I hope I can find that book, Sliding Doors! Thank you, Kristen, for your helpful
    words……..once again. I enjoy all your Best Self stories.

    Reply
    • Kristen Noel says

      July 17, 2020 at 11:30 am

      Thanks for showing up here Dee and for the Best Self love. I didn’t know it was a book. I was referring to the 1998 film with Gwyneth Paltrow: https://www.amazon.com/Sliding-Doors-Gwyneth-Paltrow/dp/B07T7P58MP/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=sliding+doors+movie&qid=1594985242&sr=8-2

      I actually hadn’t seen it for years (maybe not since then), but actually felt drawn to watch it again last night. It takes place in London and is about parallel outcomes…outlining what were to happen if I made that train or not…how would life unfold, etc. But it also has many other salient themes. It was fun to see again.

      Anyway, so grateful that you are a part of the Best Self community and value our newsletters…for this I am so very grateful. Thanks for taking the time to show up here.

      Reply
  4. Carolyn Clarke says

    July 17, 2020 at 4:46 am

    I love your bold and beautiful transparency, Kristen.
    Geez, it is MESSY being a human being, at ANY time,
    let alone during a global pandemic.
    Thank goodness for this beautiful Best Self space and your
    forever welcomed, anticipated and identifiable message
    that we can all relate to… and especially now.
    Yup, it’s true. This is a time of heightened energies and reactions!
    Self-compassion is even more necessary now, more than ever.
    PS Keep showing us your adorable puppy,
    for in these sweet moments we are beckoned to just BE.

    Reply
    • Kristen Noel says

      July 17, 2020 at 11:25 am

      Thank you for your infectious love and positivity Carolyn. I hope one day we get to meet in person. Something just tells me you a delight and a truth-teller (not to mention dog lover!). Thanks for showing up here to share. The goal of Best Self has always been to highlight the path of connecting dots…we all have dots and lots of things that go on in between them to deal with. Nothing is perfect (especially during a pandemic) but as you know well, once we begin to develop our tools we also learn to lean into the faith of being able to trust ourselves. And even more, when we can share the truth of our own experiences, we allow others to feel less alone. Thanks for being a beauty maker in this world. And I promise more puppy pics to come. In fact, she should make an appearance in every newsletter just to say hi. She certainly has been a great touchstone for us these past 6 weeks (although she is currently in puppy boot camp for a week of training…and I can barely go to sleep at night missing her!). Much love to you dear one. xo

      Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Copyright © 2021 • Kristen Noel & Best Self Media. All Rights Reserved • Privacy Policy & Terms of Use • Contact