Our new ‘normal’ feels anything but, yet relinquishing resistance can provide the best medicine for the soul
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Sometimes feelings are just impossible to describe.
I recently awoke with a real sense of loss floating about me like a dark cloud above my head. Ironically it was a pristine and perfect summer morning — crystal blue skies, birds chirping, sweet air…and still with heaviness. My heart felt tenderized, soft and vulnerable — a complex mix of wanting to cry both tears of sorrow and joy. All parts of me felt confused.
I sat with it. Acknowledged its presence, invited it to be instead of shooing it away. It was safe with me and yet, I didn’t fully understand it. Nor did I want it to overstay its welcome.
Later that morning on a walk I realized it all felt like life in a takeout box. You know how takeout from a restaurant just doesn’t feel, taste and satisfy you the way it does when food is beautifully presented on a plate in a restaurant filled with ambiance and energy and delivered to your table? It’s just not the same experience in any sense. And the process of trying to make it so is not only exhausting, but futile.
This is a time of loss. Nothing is normal, nothing appears to be returning to ‘normal’ anytime soon. I glance out the window at Mother Nature’s majestic summer scape in my backyard and I sigh relief. Thank God this is where I get to hibernate and be. Thank you, God. But I remind myself that it’s also where I need to stay put right now and to settle into what IS. I have to let go.
COVID has shut us down in more ways than we can imagine — some of which are more dangerous and insidious than any virus.
I feel grief and it needn’t be quantified. There are so many things I miss — hugs, dinners with friends that languish and fade into the wee hours, freedom and ease…deep belly laughter. I miss being able to move about in and out of shops in my little town daydreaming, I miss exercising — yoga and Pilates classes, I miss travel — I miss spontaneity — drive-bys, drop-ins, parties and the freedom to be impulsive.
Yet, I did what many of us did — I waited it out…phase 1, phase 2, phase 3…. can we come out yet? Can I get my hair done? A manicure? Go on vacation? Meet a friend for coffee? Hug someone? Feel safe?
Then finally, things began to open…s-l-o-w-l-y. Somewhere in the recesses of my mind I thought we could rush back to ‘business as usual’. Oh, the wishful thinking.
I’m done with making the best of it. I’m done with searching for silver linings. Because the truth is that despite our best and most creative efforts — it’s not the same. Things aren’t the same and it feels like dinner in a cardboard container with plastic silverware and a scratchy, paper-thin napkin.
Of course I was over the moon getting a manicure after months on end, but my sweet manicurist was practically dressed in a hazmat suit with a plastic shield and a mask sweating in discomfort. Shop owners ask you to sanitize your hands upon entry and wear your mask while only a handful of people can enter at a time. All the while, I felt the pressure to move along and let someone else come in. The same went with restaurants with tables spread wide apart and line-ups for people waiting to get in. Small business owners are scrambling to make adjustments so that they can be open and stay afloat. Nothing feels easy or carefree.
So, maybe it’s simply time to stop forcing life to feel as it once did?
Here’s a thought: Maybe we should all stop trying to be ‘normal’ — to make life feel normal again…forcing things to go back the way they once were? Hey, I get it. We like what is familiar to us — our creature comforts, routines and ways.
It’s a default life setting for us; action / reaction. When something happens, our kneejerk reaction is to scramble to gather the pieces and put them back together like a tidy puzzle board.
But who can blame us for trying? I mean, let’s face it — there’s nothing comfortable about where we find ourselves at the moment personally and collectively — staring out into a gaping hole of uncertainty. The world feels like it’s spiraling out of control with us wrapped up within its clutches.
I started thinking about this notion of normalcy the other day after feeling a bit worn thin and beaten up. I recognize that my resiliency has waned as the months progressed. I also realize it is because while I have acquiesced in some ways, I have also resisted in many others. I just want my life back!
I’m going to try it differently…because I’m tired. And it’s not working and causing unnecessary stress. Besides, it’s likely blocking me from seeing what else there is to be seen.
Yes, life may feel like it is in a takeout box…things are cancelled, things are not the same, things are uncomfortable. However, it is also a moment of opportunity to be seized. No more feeling like we are shoving a square peg into a round hole.
Let’s look around to see what we can do and release ourselves from the lamenting of what isn’t right now. Let’s witness what wants to be seen and healed within us. Let’s have a picnic instead! New circumstances bring forth new paths, new ideas and inspirations. And of course bring our Best Selves to the party. As I always say, let’s find a way to use this moment in time instead of feeling like we are being used by it.
Is there a place in your life where you’ve been resisting and trying to go back to ‘normal’? Please let us know what you are experiencing and how you are handling it in the comments below. As always, this is a sacred place where we can connect, share and hold space for each other especially in the most trying of times.
Georgia says
Great article, Kristen. I concur with all that you are saying here. It feels like life has slowed down to a pace that I can no longer match – like endeavouring to walk the speed of an ambler when all you want is to be able to ramp it up, stretch your legs and raise your pulse to hit that endorphin high. I’ve never had to deal with frustration in this way before. But as you say, there will be positive sides to reining it in…. perhaps I’ll see a flower I would have otherwise missed whilst making for the viewpoint.
Kristen Noel says
I feel you Georgia, I do. And I’m certainly not saying we have to like it, but we can choose how we are going to respond to this ever-changing situation that is unfolding. I just cancelled my last plan that was in place for summer vacation fun. It’s something we do every year — it was already on the calendar and we were sure things would be back to ‘normal’ by then…but we know how that worked out.
So now what? I’m just removing (or at least trying to be aware of) all the things that create resistance for me in this moment. And like you said, perhaps see things that I hadn’t appreciated or simply previously ran by. Here’s to the flowers and going with the flow of this new pace. Thanks for showing up and sharing that here. I totally relate to it and will think of you as I move at this new pace! xo
Ruth says
You have beautifully articulated just how I am feeling right now.
The overwhelming sadness, the exhaustion of trying to hold things together, the ennui.
Thank you xx
Kristen Noel says
We ARE in this together feeling many of the same things. And yes, as you say Ruth, it is exhausting. I do think a lot of good can come from this collective pause if we use it rather than be used by it. Find other ways to nurture yourself creatively, physically, spiritually, emotionally. Resistance keeps us in a perpetual spin cycle. Let’s find ways to stay grounded and awake so we can move through this with more ease — whole and open to expansion. Holding your hand Ruth. xo
Stephanie Menuez says
Thank You KN 💗!! YES indeed. Agree to all you shared. So true and beautiful. I’ve been resisting just being and relaxing and letting go of my my old patterns of thinking and doing!! Work work work no more. And for me it has been a new journey home; to my faith experiences, my body as it is moment to moment, to presence and just being fully present and relaxed…what a concept!!! Coming Home to my hearts desires, and loved like ART. Coming home to acceptance of all that may seem to be unacceptable in me and with the world these days and to our quiet home here in Vermont 💚
I loved what you said…”Let’s witness what wants to be seen and healed within us.”. Sitting with it all. Hard but rewarding and freeing. It seems we are collectively being led to the edge of the abyss…and looking down into it, we are each finding ways to trust life and keep going with strength found in this quiet time of peace and renewal! I joined an online group of like minded people working with the embodiment practice -called ‘liberated being’ led by a woman named Brooke Thomas-very helpful short guided meditation practices and guest teachers, and sharing. It was an answer to my prayer to feel more connected to people who are like minded and seeking this same place of being more and more grounded.
I am grateful for the blessings and privileges I experience In my life and I am discovering new surprising ways to connect and to be of service to others, to help as I can. To hold space with love for those who are suffering. This also helps me to let go of fear & resistance and anxieties.
Here’s to being with what is and having fun where ever possible!
Kristen Noel says
I love this notion of coming home Stephanie — “Coming home to acceptance of all that may seem to be unacceptable in me.”
You hit the nail on the head. At the end of the day, YES, isn’t this what it is all about? This current state of affairs surely is a colossal metaphor for life. There is power in the pause for sure. So glad you found a community of like-minded souls. I’m going to check Brooke out for sure. It is so helpful to feel connected when we are so disconnected. That’s the way these comments make me feel…and for this I am so grateful.
You are blessed to be in the natural beauty and quiet of Vermont…soak it all in. It sounds like you are completely embracing the unfolding and evolution of your own personal journey. Keep on truckin’ sister…and thank you for mentioning the connecting and being of service piece of this. Even in our isolation, we can do this and that is what feeds our souls on a whole new level.
If we can resist less perhaps we can become more! Thank you for showing up here Stephanie and sharing your beautiful self with us. It felt like a kiss to me and surely will for others too. xo
Carolyn Grabiel says
Thank you Kristen – feeling it especially this early morning as I contemplate canceling on a yearly trip with college girlfriends. We’re all late 50’s & so it’s been an important connect for many years. But… with a compromised immune system husband, 2 teens at home, & numbers in my county skyrocketing, I’m thinking it’s wiser to pass this year. Time to let go of normal.
Kristen Noel says
UGH…disappointments prevails within this quest for ‘normalcy’. I’m sorry about your trip. I just cancelled one we do each summer — held hope that things would be fine by now, but I hear you (and feel you). I finally came to the conclusion that the trip I was holding in my vision wouldn’t play out as I had thought anyway so…I let it go.
We are all letting go of a lot right now trying to navigate this. And we don’t have to like it, but we can try to squeeze some lemonade out of those lemons. I never thought that I’d have my son home from college for 5 months…I’m just soaking up our time together. I’m going to miss the hugs, the conversations over dinner, the trips to get ice cream…it all…when he leaves again. While I want him to be able to return to his life, I will miss him.
Trust me, I’m missing so many things…just trying to shift my focus, to suffer less and to appreciate more. I hope you get your trip next year and can enjoy summer with your family where you are right now. Sending you a big hug. Thanks for sharing this Carolyn. xo
Ken Ryder says
A timely article and one that conveys the mood I experience on many days. I am an “at risk” adult by virtue of my age (73). I consider myself healthy and fit and am being very cautious. I miss so much about what used to be “normal” including holding and hugging my beautiful 2 year old granddaughter. I miss the spontaneity of life perhaps most of all. Now it feels that all the actions I take, all the movements I make, are carefully calculated and assessed. No bars, no restaurants, no going into stores (I order all my groceries online and do curbside pickup). I do not enter friends houses nor do they enter mine. It is, in a sense, a form of “house arrest”. It has cultivated within me empathy for what real prison must be like. As a silver lining to this dark cloud I have really become grateful for all the blessings I do have including living in a beautiful state (Montana) my yard, my garden, my flowers, the blue skies, the summer thunderstorms, getting out on my bike for long rides and reading so much more than usual among other things. This too will pass. In the meantime I have become a more patient person.
Kristen Noel says
You pulled me into your picture — summer in Montana; the yard, garden, flowers, blue skies, summer thunderstorms, bike rides…how wonderful. Yes, summer has been the saving grace. I live in the mountains in upstate New York and share many of these things you described. Each day I walk in the woods with my puppy, swim in the streams, hike or run. I am grateful for the mountain air and warm temperatures. Don’t think I will fare as well during the winter…but I’m not going to get ahead of myself.
Yes, it does feel much like house arrest. The worst part is the lack of human connection — like with your beautiful granddaughter. I hope you get to squeeze her soon Ken, I do. Everyone has to navigate this to the best of their ability and comfort level. You are doing the most important thing which is keeping yourself healthy and strong.
Thank you for sharing your experience here. I know many can relate to it. May we all unite in finding ways to continue to support ourselves so that we may weather this storm and find our way back to the things we love most. For now, enjoy your beautiful summer and wrap yourself in the appreciation of it all. I’ll hold the vision of you and your granddaughter together in my heart. Be well Ken!
Melanie says
Beautifully written and so timely. I was just having this very conversation with my fiancé yesterday. I said to him that two foundations for human life are hope and freedom, both of which have been taken from us all. Some things we take for granted like hoping the sun will rise and that we will wake up alive and well each day. Beyond that, we hope for more than those basics as they are what drive us to get out of bed everyday. We hope to graduate, to do well at work, to have a beautiful wedding for example. Our wedding has been postponed several times, most recently due to this world pandemic. Our hopes and dreams of finalizing the planning and actually having the ceremony occur have been crushed. Instead, we both sit at home in fear after losing our jobs. How long will our unemployment continue? What will we do once it runs out? Even the small joys we could control in the past have been stripped from us. We’ve tried to go out to eat but just as we’ve attempted, cases soared in our state so we declined. There’s no option of movie theaters, concerts, shows. Even our community’s Fourth of July celebration was closed down to the public so we sat alone in our community lawn watching the fireworks from afar. Life isn’t supposed to be this way. However, I believe people have social distanced long before covid. The world has become too caught up with technology and social media. Everyone has long seemed so hurried, busy, and lacking courtesy especially when it comes timely responses. I can’t tell you the number of times friends claim not to have seen a text. Therefore perhaps this world pandemic has been strategically placed in our lives for a very valuable reason. To remind us to slow down, be present, be courteous, and appreciate what we have. We’ve just seen how how hopes, dreams, freedoms, and connections can be taken away at any moment. Maybe the beautiful message in all of this is to wake up and really begin to appreciate these things.
Kristen Noel says
WOW Melanie. You certainly have been challenged with postponing your wedding and the loss of your jobs. I’m so sorry for all of that and thank you for sharing this here. You certainly aren’t alone. I have a friend who is a renowned wedding planner and had a year of jobs cancelled. Yes, it certainly feels as if life as we knew it (and desire it to be) has been ‘cancelled’.
And those disappointments need to be felt. I think more of us are slipping into this place of fear because we held onto this notion that we just had to make it through a certain amount of time and life would return. We are seeing that is not the case…and worse yet, we don’t know what it will be. Uncertainty is typically not a place of comfort.
However, as you so beautifully wrapped up your story — we are left to seize what is there to be seized; things we can still be grateful for. Luckily you have partnership and someone to experience this with. It is summer so we can be in nature more easily. We can admire the flowers, butterflies and birds. We can grow food. We can plant. And we can go inward. We can nurture ourselves and we can be kind.
Like you said, I do believe this moment of pause has shown many people what needs to shift within their own lives. We are realizing that we move too quickly, take too much for granted, need less, etc. Families are reconnecting, having meals together, sharing ideas in conversation…being together. We are remembering who we really are.
I’m with you. I’m looking for all of the things that I want to remain. I’m not focusing on the things I can’t do. I’m focusing on the things that make me feel better, less stressed and worried about all the ‘what ifs’. We can’t prepare for every possible outcome, but we can seize this moment before us. Hold your fiancee’s hand and have faith. You have each other and that is a blessing. I want to hold a vision of new jobs for your both and a beautiful wedding ceremony in your future. Let’s embrace possibility together.
Donna L Hein says
Wow. The last two weeks your messages have hit home. At 70 I am having to redefine my Life. I have been so busy traveling and such For the last 20 years and now I have to find something to do and like. All the extra time has caused excessive thinking about old religious beliefs which don’t serve me anymore. Kind of scary when you don’t have peace in that department. I am trying to just believe each day is a gift from God. Do our best and we will go back to God. No earning your way to heaven. I think this is such a rough time for all. Thank you for letting us know you are normal too with trying to figure out how we keep going.
Kristen Noel says
Oh Donna, we are all in this together. We hold onto so many things that we think define us or are constants and then BOOM…something shifts. But we are all more resilient than we know. Maybe we are being called to live deeper more meaningful lives, to shift our priorities, to return to foundations like God, physical and spiritual health, connection, self-care, family, community, good work, etc. Our lives have become complicated by our need for more everything. It’s like being our Best Selves is something we save for weekends or holidays.
And while I don’t like this pause anymore than the rest — and I certainly have my opinions about many things — I do know that resistance only causes me suffering. Each step I take to clearly look at what is making me anxious, angry or uncomfortable…brings me closer to making shifts to support myself. That doesn’t mean I always want to see those things, but I am feeling my nervous system relax when I do.
I applaud you for looking more closely at the things that are coming up for you. They say, what needs to be seen and healed is revealing itself now. It is calling to us. Let’s support one another through this. Let’s step into the next version of ourselves that simply wants to feel vibrancy, truth, wellness, connection and peace. That’s what I’m going to hold for everyone including myself. Thank you for sharing this Donna. I’m sure many can relate and it helps to know we are not alone. xo
Lynell Ross says
Your blog is very insightful. You said what I have been feeling, but wouldn’t allow myself to say out loud. I have been practicing gratitude and trying to stay positive. I have not allowed myself to feel the grief of missing loved ones, events, vacations and people’s faces without masks.
I know we must do what we can to stay safe and protect one another, so I will continue to be vigilant. But knowing that it is okay to be sad helps to relieve some of the pressure.
Thank you for your wisdom.
Kristen Noel says
Thank you so much for sharing this Lynell. This is probably one of the most important points. Those of us in the wellness world, those who are silver lining seekers and believers in possibility tend to not allow themselves the room to actually feel things. If we con’t allow our feelings to come up and surface, we can’t truly address them or heal them. I’ve shoved my feelings aside in the name of always trying to see the best in everything for most of my life…but it’s not a sustainable path.
I guess we all have to find our paths, and remember that being a positive person doesn’t mean we have to make peace with everything. I’ve actually had a surprisingly difficult time with all of this. Aside from allowing myself to feel it — I’m also not rushing it. I’d like to say that I ‘got over it’ within a week or two, but that’s not the case. For me, it’s made me question a lot of things and hasn’t made me terribly happy.
That said, in the context of that I find many moments of reprieve simply by being in the moment, appreciating all the little things; my puppy, having my son home, summer breezes, sunshine on my shoulders, sunbeams hitting a vase of flowers, fresh food, love, etc. Hold onto whatever you can, but allow yourself to cry, scream, feel sad or afraid. It’s how we begin to move the energy, look at the truth and work through things. Thank you for your wisdom and showing up here dear one.
Doris says
Thank you Kristen for sharing your thoughts about this time, how you feel and your experiences!
And a big thank to everyone who commented here!
Love and light, Doris