I Didn’t Want to Hug it Out
We all get triggered at times — it’s what we do with it that matters most
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Yep, it’s true. I didn’t want to hug it out or meditate or go for a walk or get out of my own way or be my Best Self. There, I said it. I can be stubborn that way. Sometimes, I can’t reach for a spoonful of my own medicine even though I know it works. Sometimes, I don’t want to make everything better — well, actually I do want to make it better, but my soul knows that it will require more than thinking happy thoughts.
I’m keeping it real here in this blog because…well, frankly, I think we all need more of that — more genuine connection, more truth-telling, more humanness — messiness and all. That’s how we truly help each other.
Let me give you the set up. Sitting quietly at my desk on a gray, blustery Sunday afternoon, I interrupted what I was peacefully doing and decided to log into my investment account. Don’t worry, this won’t be an economic rant…I promise. I will share that money is a trigger for me (that’s a whole other story). I share this because knowing it was a trigger, I consciously interrupted my lovely afternoon to ‘trigger’ myself.
You don’t have to have money in the markets or be a financial wiz to know or be disturbed by the fact that the markets are ugly right now and that has a way of trickling down into everything. While I’m not a believer in putting my head in the sand and pretending I don’t know that, I’m also not a believer in doing something that will certainly produce a negative reaction.
Knowing all of that full well, I still did it. And it triggered me as expected. Einstein’s Theory?
Being your Best Self is not living a trigger-less life. It is about honing your self-awareness and self-compassion. It is about developing skills to lean on when you need them most and trusting yourself to navigate it all. It’s about believing in a higher power that connects us all — a benevolent force gently nudging you in the direction of your highest good.
So, if you get triggered…
If you stumble and fall
If you say things you wish you hadn’t or behave regrettably
If you fall off your Best Self wagon
If you start to self-sabotage and begin to feel stuck
If you feel fearful that you can’t shift out of it
If you judge yourself harshly
If you don’t know what to do next or where you left your rose-colored glasses
….you have not failed. You are human.
Of course, I have tools to lean upon, but my inner brat didn’t want to hug or meditate or talk about it or look around and be grateful for anything. She was mad and triggered and was going to have her pity party. I took a deep breath and allowed it to unfold. Perhaps I needed that. Perhaps there was wisdom within this moment.
Oftentimes there are distinct messages that come forth when we allow ourselves to feel the discomfort. But there are other times where it is a process that will take some time to reveal itself. We never know.
Clearly my inner brat needed some attention…and she can be sly about it. Not everyone immediately realizes she is present, yet she lurks in the background. Behind my outward smile, my energy is constricted. I find myself being more judgmental of others and negative. I can become more passive aggressive and confrontational, my words more snarky.
Even when no one else knows it, I feel it because it is a reflection of what is going on within me. I also know that no matter how it lands for them, it’s not how I want to show up — so, when I conduct myself like this, I have a regret hangover the next morning.
UGH. Why did I behave that way?
Why did I say those things?
Why was I poking?
What was I trying to prove?
Why did I get on the phone?
Why was I being so unkind in such a roundabout way
Because our emotions have to come out one way or another — and it’s best when it’s not sideways. Besides, it takes a lot of effort to clean up the mess the next morning. What we don’t address energetically gets passed along for all to sample. We need to be aware of what we are serving up on a platter.
I quietly festered for the rest of that day allowing it to chip away at my sparkle. It started to permeate everything — self-doubt crawled up in my lap and made itself comfortable. It started to make me question everything. I could sense it, just wasn’t ready to fully shift out of it. It kind of hijacked my joie de vivre and continued to sit with me that night — all from choosing to look at an investment account.
But I’m not long for wallowing. By morning my patience had worn thin. You’ve taken up residency here long enough. I knew it wasn’t going to be an immediate fix, but I reached for better feelings, practices and thoughts. I spoke the words, “I was triggered.” I moved my body. I looked at what I could control (I certainly don’t control the world economy). I sent a note to a friend apologizing for my brashness the night before in conversation. She graciously responded that it hadn’t been that big a deal — that she was grateful I felt safe enough to let it rip.
Despite her loving reaction, I still felt a bit bruised because it wasn’t how I wanted to move through life or how I wanted to communicate with others.
We’re always learning so much about ourselves and our experiences if we dare to look.
I don’t think life is meant to be tidied up and neatly tied up with a sparkly bow. Sometimes we won’t have all the answers, the how’s and why’s. Sometimes the win is simply in calling out what happened…I got triggered.
For now, I’m sitting with my trigger and my inner brat and all the wisdom that I’ve gleaned along this life path. It’s all of me. I don’t need to be fixed, or chastised or give up. I haven’t failed. I need to keep going, growing, feeling, revealing, breathing, becoming, believing, reaching, creating, loving and Best Selfing. I’m not seeing my triggers as taunters, but rather teachers.
We’re all in this together. Give your triggers a hug. Serve them up some compassion and kindness — don’t try to muscle them to the ground or shove them in a corner. You’ll know what to do next. Trust yourself. You’ve got this…and tomorrow is another day to show up better than you did today.
Have you experienced the fallout that results from resisting or acting out on behalf of a trigger? Please share in the comments below. I’d love to know more about your tips, tools and workarounds.